Catching Up

I don't have a clear plan for this blog post.  I've sat down many times in the past couple of months to blog, but just can't seem to get anything going.  It certainly hasn't been for lack of material.  I haven't blogged since Thanksgiving, that has left countless of holidays, birthday celebrations, winter blues and spring celebrations that have been left undocumented.  We even had our first official family get away to Northern MN in the middle of a snow storm...ah well.  Today is the day I kick my blogging back into gear.

I've missed this space.  I have to admit that I ventured into the world of blogging unsure of what it would entail.  I don't really have a lot of valuable information to share.  I am not creative or crafty.  My life isn't that grand or exciting.  As of late the adventures have been few.  However, in the past few months I've realized I need this place.  I could journal, as that is mostly what this blog is about, but there is more accountability here.  I find that here I tend to think a little more universally, than when I journal.  It helps make me feel less isolated and more connected.

Life is pretty crazy for most people and opportunities to sit down with a good friend are few and far between.  I don't really have a lot of heart to hearts these days, and I miss that.  I have a lot of very supportive people in my life, but I feel it has been a long time since anyone has asked how things are going and have truly had the time or been interested in the answer.

Overall, things are going so well.  Briony is so much a part of our family now, I can hardly imagine a time without her.  I am loving the joy that she brings to our daily life.  I don't know that there has been a day yet when I haven't been thankful for her presence in our lives.  She is becoming a master imitator, and is quite interactive.  She is absolutely soaking up everything around her.  She is cautious in new situations, but learns quite effortlessly.  It amazes me how one minute she isn't doing something and then the next minute she is.  I continue to see attributes of Nick and I, and can't help but wonder how they will all play out as she grows.  She undeniably has Nick's looks.  She loves the outdoors.  She is wildly independent.  She wants someone close by at all times, but really needs alone time, too.  She has learned to name the two most important things in her life...Sadie and Zeke.  Her official first word is "hi" which she uses whenever she sees us or Sadie.  She can sign for "more," "milk," "eat," and "all done."  She is CONSTANTLY on the move.  This girl does not sit still.  She will now raise her arms in the air if you ask her "How big is Briony."  She was able to correctly identify her nose the other day.  She has attempted on multiple occasions to bathe her stuffed animals and books by throwing them in the tub and reaching for the faucet.  She is a great eater, but is certainly choosy about which foods she wants at specific times.   She is also very impatient.  Briony sleeps 12-14 hours at night and takes one nap during the day.  My biggest struggle with her is keeping her entertained.  She has such a short attention span that even when I make attempts at planned activities they only hold her interest for a few minutes.

I went through some rough, low confidence months at work during December and January.  This is my third nursing job now and I am definitely seeing a trend.  It always takes me a solid year to get even remotely comfortable in what I am doing, and I often struggle around the six month mark.  I am slowly rebuilding confidence in myself, and my skills.  I am so thankful for the varied opportunities I've had in the hospital setting, it really is amazing how different every area has been.  I have been so fortunate as I am now 3/3 in having an excellent group of co-workers to work with.

My biggest struggle continues to be finding a balance between my work, home and social life.  I've been working very hard on a paradigm shift, and it seems to be helping.  I am finding I have more confidance in my parenting skills, and general Briony awareness.  I am more comfortable working on household chores and have even cooked a few meals again.  I am exercising a little more which my body desperately needed, and coincidentally so did my emotions.  I am almost to the point where I am actually craving to get out running if I miss a few days...

My biggest void is friendships.  Working weekends and straight evenings, means I am often not available when most people are.  Nick is almost never available, meaning we miss out on a lot of "couple opportunities."  In general, making and keeping friends is not a strength of mine, so finding and seeking out connections has been a little tough. My schedule is also sporadic enough that routine and scheduled meetings, like ECFE, gets a little tricky.  I am also very BAD at signing myself up for commitments like that.  I usually enjoy them in the end, but getting myself to follow through is not a strength of mine.

Thanks so much for catching up with me today.  I know there was a lot of over-share today, but I am hoping that this can help me jump back into the blogging world.

In Memory

I learned Monday of the death of an old friend.  It seems odd to say "old friend" because the truth is she wasn't old at all.  She was young, my age.  Until recently it had been years since we had talked, but there was a time in our lives when we were inseparable.

We met in middle school, and hit it off immediately.  I don't believe anyone could dislike Jess, she was genuine and real.  During a time in life when so many people try to experiment with who they are, it was refreshing to have a friend who was true to herself and allowed me to be as well.

Jessica was a distance swimmer on the swim team in middle school, and her twin sister and I dove together on the diving team for a while.  I still remember her excitement whenever she achieved new personal records for herself.  She was driven and motivated.  We celebrated birthdays together and I was even invited on a few family excursions to Superior Shores.  We were confirmed together, and were in the same small groups together for confirmation.  We wrote multiple notes back and forth together (remember this was before texting and cell phones).  We sang in choir together.  She went with me to camp one summer.  She was a month younger than me, but still got her drivers license before me since I had to take mine three times to pass.

She even convinced me to join her in her acting endeavors with Stepping Stone Theater.  The play the year I participated was "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat."  It was no secret that I couldn't act, but it was a pleasure watching as Jess soaked up the experience.  I wasn't surprised at all to hear she had found a niche in acting at UW-Green Bay.

Jessica had a smile that lit up the room.  I will always be thankful for the times I was blessed enough to share with her.  Our friendship has been something I've cherished and will continue to cherish for the rest of my life.

Towards the end of high school Jessica faced some very hard challenges, and our friendship changed.  I never really gave up and even when her birthday came around last week I found myself wondering, like I do every November 21st, if there would ever be a time where we could meet up again and catch up.

Unfortunately, I won't get that chance.

Instead, I find myself comforted in the knowledge that Jessica has been surrounded by a large community of people that have cared for her in the years since we last spoke.  I know that while her hardships have been plentiful, and surely painful, she was well loved and well respected.  I feel confidant that her compassionate heart and beautiful smile have touched many lives.

Life is precious.  Life can be tremendously hard.  Life can also be too short.  Please don't hesitate to recognize the people in your life that keep you going.

Catching Up

I feel as though it has been ages since I blogged last.  As of late, I have been having a hard time figuring out how to process life as I know it right now.  Most days I find that I just want to hit "pause" and enjoy every second in slow motion.

Briony is changing leaps and bounds every day.  I swear that most evenings I put her to bed and she isn't the same girl I was greeted by in the morning.  She literally went from hating being on her tummy to crawling in the course of a day.  Now I feel like if I blink I'll miss her next move.  I can hardly believe this is the same sedentary baby that occupied our house for 7 months.  Today, she was doing tornado spins in our laps at church.

She adds new sounds everyday.  Her cooing is sounding more and more conversational.  I am eager to hear some of the thoughts going through that amazing brain of hers.  I often linger when she first wakes up in the morning or after naps.  Her favorite audience is her monkey blanket that occupies her crib.  I do believe that we have a daughter who is very attached to her lovie.  I can only begin to imagine that wild stories she tells as she tries to interpret the events of her day.

Most astounding of all has been her exploration into her independence.  When she started crawling I couldn't help but notice how close a radius she would keep to where I was.  I not-so-secretly soaked up the times when she would take a few movements away from me, turn around, with a smile so big I thought her lips would fall off, and charge right back into my arms.  The past few days I have watched with pride as she has taken longer and longer trips away from me.  She will now travel through the living room and kitchen to the door leading outside and play independently with her dad's shoes.  I admittedly teared up the first time she took the bottle out of my hands and proceeded to feed herself.

She chases after our dog Sadie, under Sadie and around Sadie.  Most recently she has taken to snuggling in next to me and playing along as I take her hand and gently pet Sadie.  We have a skittish dog who isn't fond of human touch aside from Nick and I, so getting her accustomed to Briony is a bit of a process.  She loves to hold Sadie's raw hide as Sadie chews.  Sadie loves to hang out under Briony's high chair while she is eating.  Briony loves to offer Sadie food from her drool drenched hand to help supplement Sadie's diet, can't say it has made dog training very easy.

When we start music she undoubtedly begins to sway back and forth, that girl LOVES music!  She loves dancing around the living room or jumping around in our arms while we're on walks.  Don't tell her that I can't dance, I suppose she'll figure that out soon enough.  Most of all she is a complete attention hog.  Briony has the whole first child thing DOWN.  She knows when we are focusing on her, and she is even more aware when we are distracted.

I have to admit that we have become more acutely aware of rewarding her independent play because she was quickly figuring out that fussing got our immediate attention.  I truly believe that it is easy to underestimate the intelligence of these young ones.  I am realizing that we will soon be entering a new world of parenting.  The first several months we were mostly obsessed with providing for our child.  We spent 24 hours a day worrying about whether or not she was adequately rested and fed.  We would analyze and count the number of dirty diapers to make sure that everything was normal.  Now she is hitting a new stage where she is learning more about her behavior and how it affects things around her.  I noticed at dinner tonight that when Nick was feeding her she started to lift her arms and disrupt the spoon just as it reached her mouth.  The first couple of times we laughed thinking it was an accident, then we noticed the hint of a smile.  We quickly forced ourselves to ignore the behavior and marveled at how quickly she caught unto the effects of her behavior.  The past few days, I have even started to see hints of temper tantrums from my opinionated and stubborn little girl.

As we enter the start of the holiday season I marvel at how much has changed in our lives this past year. I can hardly believe that we had yet to meet our daughter last year at this time.  I couldn't help but feel that something was missing in the holiday celebrations last year and I knew it was our newest family member.  I can hardly wait to introduce her to Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I am eager for her to see snow, watch the twinkling Christmas lights and hear Christmas carols.

Last year I spent the month of November blogging about all the things I was thankful for and I had intended on continuing that tradition this year as well.  Obviously, I have failed miserably, but by no means does it mean I am thankless.  Every night when I get to tuck Briony in I whisper the things I was most thankful to have experienced with her that day.  I love the opportunity to reflect on the special times we got to spend together and I can hardly wait to hear what she selects when she gets older and can participate.  I hope that it can become part of our nightly routine.

I know that it may seem obvious, but I can not believe what a blessing it has been to me this year to become a parent.  I have never worked harder at anything in my life.  In February, though, I was given the most amazing gift and I would have to celebrate Thanksgiving an infinite number of times to even begin to celebrate my gratitude.  Briony brings joy on even the hardest, most crabby and exhausting of days.  Each day she amazes me with yet another new reason to love her and just when I think my heart can't take any more it grows to accommodate.  I am absolutely in no short supply of reasons to be thankful this year.

I need to move it, move it

I am not a perfect wife.  I am not a perfect mom.  I am not a perfect sister or daughter or in-law.  I am also not a perfect friend or employee.  I want to be.  I want to be exactly what my loved ones need.  I want to always have my best foot forward and a smile on my face.  I would love an always open heart and a listening ear that knows no time constraints.  

I also want to be fiscally responsible.  I want enough, not too much and not too little.  I want to cherish the little priceless things in life and not worry so much about things I can't change.  I want to dream realistically, so I don't get restless for things that aren't necessary or plausible.  I want to think for the future and not my immediate needs.

I realize that this all sounds whiny and perhaps superficial.  Seriously, no one is perfect; I hear that all the time.  I know it is true, but sometimes I wish it wasn't.  Mostly, I accept myself and my quirks and move on.

For example, a friend gently reminded me this week that I've lived nearly 28 years as a procrastinator why change now?  It hasn't been for lack of trying.  I do usually have a grand plan of how to get things done in a timely manner, but once the plan is made I figure that is half the battle.  Why execute it if I have a few days/weeks to go?  Yep, procrastination works for me.

Despite my better wisdom and understanding, I've been stuck in a paralyzed rut for a few weeks now.  I want so badly to be perfect.  I want to get the house cleaned while Briony naps, I want to have dinner on the table when Nick comes home.  I want to get out and walk the dog and then I also want to make sure that Briony and I have plenty of time to read and giggle and explore.  I want to work on house projects, organize, clean and somehow become a master renovator...in my spare time of course.  I would also like to read a few chapters of a juicy novel, after writing an insightful blog before I go to bed at night.  I want to pick up a few shifts at work, so that I can become more efficient and maybe so I can feel a little less guilty about hoping for a new pair of shoes or a sweater on my next excursion to the mall.

I have been so busy thinking about all the things I want to do and how different I'd like myself to be, that most days I've been going to bed wondering why I didn't just put one foot in front of the other.  I went to bed last night reminding myself for the umpteenth time that the older we get the more demands we have.  Unfortunately, the days don't get longer and time doesn't get more abundant.  There is always room for improvement, and just because I am not perfect doesn't mean that I can't try.  However, I do need to give myself some leeway.  I need to be patient and realize that things don't happen over night and that even the best laid plans need to be acted upon to be achieved.

Did I mention that Briony started crawling this past weekend?  I guess she's a good reminder that big changes can come from small forward progress; half the battle is learning how to move.  

Kjedelig

Perhaps one of my biggest fears about having a daughter is that she may be more like me than her father.  I believe there is a solid reason why I wasn't a twin...it truly would be hard to handle two of me.  Don't get me wrong, I feel pretty solid in who I am and have certainly figured out how to work with the quirky personality I have.  However, I was not an easy child.

I was not always kind.  I threw monster temper tantrums lasting hours.  I held bitter resentment when I had been wronged.  I was bossy and opinionated, and I still am.  I was also incredibly sensitive and couldn't always handle criticism of the constructive variety.  Significant for this blog, I was also ALWAYS bored.

Looking back now I realize that "bored" was a term I used loosely for pretty much every feeling of insecurity I had.  The epitome of my bored years were the last two years we lived in Madagascar.  I was attending a Norwegian school at the time and I think the first word that ever stuck was, "kjedelig" (this means bored in Norwegian).  I used it all the time and honestly, years later, my very creative and opposite of boring teacher is still scarred from my negative attitude.  (I apologize profusely for that, Henrick, if you ever read these blogs.)  I was learning and experiencing so many new things at the time, and I think the only way for my eleven year old self to cope was to check out under the guise of boredom.  

I feel confidant that if Briony had words she would have been telling me the past few days that her life is so kjedelig.  Not really in the "bored" way, but in the "I know something is happening and I am not sure how to handle it" way.  After a very fabulous and wonderful week last week, we had a rough and tumble weekend.  As easy as it seems to be a baby with their multiple naps, prepared meals and drinks all day long, clothes, baths and entertainment all planned out...their lives really are quite strenuous.

In the past seven months, Briony has more than doubled her weight, she has grown more than six inches.  She is in the process of learning a new language and trying to communicate her needs.  She has added solids to her repertoire of foods, and has four new teeth.  She has also learned how to sit, roll over, grasp and play with toys.  These are just the obvious milestones.

The past few days have brought increasing restlessness to my ever changing daughter.  I can tell that Briony wants to move.  She has taken a new interest in rolling and twisting her body.  She loves to crane her neck to look at things; its actually funny to watch because her movements are so exagerated.  She wiggles and shakes constantly.  Sitting no longer satisfies her, she wants to explore.  Unfortunately, she isn't quite there yet.  As mentioned before she has a strong aversion to her tummy, so convincing her of crawling is a tough sell.  Yesterday she reacquainted herself with standing and even took a few guided steps, but obviously doesn't have the strength or coordination to master walking just yet.

I don't really mind a stationary baby.  I have actually gotten quite proficient at accomplishing my to do list as of late.  However, she isn't happy being stationary anymore.  She is "bored" and wants to explore, only its a little hard to help her do that when she insists only on standing.  I anticipated changes with a moving child, but didn't anticipate the anguish that has accompanied her during this transition.  I suppose it doesn't help that she is coincidentally also moving into a new stage of fear and separation anxiety.  Loud noises are suddenly accompanied with a heartbreakingly adorable panicked look, and when Nick and I are not in view we are instantaneously notified of her discontent.

It is times like this when I wish that my daughter had acquired a little less of my personality.  I do learn things and I am capable of working through transitions, but usually I bring a few casualties with me.  I tend to feel as though people should know when I think something is rough.  Briony in her best nonverbal communication is sharing a similar sentiment.  Nick on the other hand is a quiet achiever.  He puts his head down, figures it out and then moves on successfully.  He also has patience, something I lack.  Perhaps I am projecting and Briony isn't as impatient or restless as I am imagining.  However, people who know me and my daughter keep telling me that I am dealing with a "little Molly," so I don't feel like I am making it up entirely.

At the very least, I know that with love and patience I have pulled through, and Briony is a very loved little girl.  Briony will figure that out, too.  I am pretty sure she'll never believe that I could possibly understand because no one ever understood me either when things were "kjedelig," but I do get it.  I have to admit that I have trained in a remarkable support network who are more than equipped to handle me, so Briony at least has an empathetic and supportive bunch to help her out.  I on the other hand am finding out that many of my supporters are enjoying that I am experiencing a bit of pay back...

Routine Schmoutine

I think some of the best advice I ever got when I was pregnant came from Nick's cousin.  The happy mother of a then five month old told me to never get used to a routine because about the time that I do, things would change again.  I haven't found anything to be more true.

Today, was nothing less than one of those days.  My sweet girl woke up very upset this morning.  She has developed this habit, quite inconvenient in her opinion, of rolling onto her stomach while she is sleeping.  Unfortunately, my daughter has not fully comprehended the freedom of her movements and remains quite reluctant to solve her own self-induced tummy time predicament.  

As I waited for her to realize she is capable of flipping herself over, I stopped to imagine reminding her of this when the drama of her teenage years begin to unfold.  I can just picture the scene.  My daughter will be in a tizzy because the bag that she feels is appropriate for camp is too small to carry all of her items for camp.  She will refuse to switch bags because she doesn't want to have "THE biggest bag" of anyone there.  She will also refuse to edit what she is bringing because all her items are "essential."  (Yes, this was in fact an argument I had with my parents on several occasions as a youngster).  I will then laugh and recall the story of how mad she would get when she was stuck on her tummy as an infant.  I probably won't stop there.  I will further ruin the moment by inserting my wisdom and explaining to her that often in life things that seem so large and important at the time, turn out to be quite mundane in hindsight.

Don't worry I am well aware that she won't find it humorous in the future either, but what is a mother if she doesn't say something wrong at least once in a daughter's life?  I suppose she'll be even more disgusted to find out I've been plotting since 6 months of age.  Because I've been there, I predict the stormy door slamming that will ensue...  I am sure that my own mother, also having anticipated this moment, will take the opportunity to remind me that I am only getting a taste of my own teenage fury.

After I'd spent a few moments chuckling at the site of my illegitimately frustrated daughter, I did finally rescue her.   Wiping the tears from her face, we then made our way to the kitchen.  I made up a bottle and sat down on the couch.  Briony proceeded to eat only about one third of what she normally does in the morning.  Curious and betting that my opinionated daughter probably had some take on how she wanted the morning to go, I mixed together some rice cereal and peaches.  She was so hungry she ate through her typical breakfast portion and even polished off the left over green beans from dinner.  Without belaboring the details of our day, it basically went very similarly to our morning.  For the most part, my daughter reminded me that being her mom requires a lot of adapting and modifying.  My child, with no words, has a voice and ever-growing opinions.

I can honestly say that in some ways I am a bit relieved.  First off, I want a daughter who knows what she wants.  There will certainly be trying times when we have to teach her when and when it is not appropriate to dictate her needs, but I am glad she knows she has them.

I've also never been good at a schedule.  I have never really understood how it is that parents can keep their kids on a regimented routine.  I am not a planner.  I am a procrastinator and I fly by the seat of my pants.  Schedules tie a person down.  I certainly see the benefit of one, but just can't get it to work for me.  Hence, and you can probably argue nature vs. nurture here, my daughter appears to be heading down a similar path.

I think the first blog I ever wrote touched on the fact that the only thing guaranteed in life is change.  There is absolutely no way to keep things the same as they always were or to never lose the moment we are in.  Briony reminds me of this everyday.  I swear no day is the same because she is changing so quickly.  In six months she has gone from a tiny seven pound three ounce newborn who did nothing more than eat, sleep and poop; to a cuddly, opinionated, growing baby.  Most days I feel like she changes before my very eyes.  The next six months and beyond are bound to be filled with more changes and more lessons for me, the budding momma.

Tonight, I am so thankful for my little girl.  I know that I don't and won't get everything right.  I know that my baby isn't perfect either.  I also know that time stopped today when my normally serious child spent at least five minutes giggling at her goofy mother.  Having set my cleaning aside; I soaked up that moment for all it was worth and just enjoyed her silliness.  Much like she forced me to do today, I hope Briony will someday learn to relish in the simple joys of discarding routine.  Maybe she'll also learn to not sweat the small stuff... 

Out of Sync

Today I have to gripe.  I had this book as a child called "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" (or something like that).  I often think about that book on days like today.  In fact, I have to admit that I've had a few days where I feel like that title has applied.

This week at work I've had the kind of shifts where I feel like at every turn I am being reminded how much I have to learn.  I couldn't work fast enough, I had to ask stupid questions and nothing went in my favor.  I had my third preceptor in a week.  While, I haven't had a bad one yet, it just takes a great deal of effort to explain what I can and can't do and then to figure out what they trust me to do independently and what they don't.  Nursing also requires a lot of teamwork and getting used to new communication styles amongst my co-workers is also part of the learning process and the learning curve was steep this week.  It didn't help that I simply started out my shift yesterday feeling completely defeated.  On top of all that I had stupid things happen.  For example, the last hour of my shift yesterday every single computer I touched froze up.  My preceptor finally had to get medications out for me because literally all the machines we use to dispense medications froze up trying to read my fingerprint.  It was just that kind of night.

Then today, my one day off for the weekend, Briony and I have been completely out of sync.  She has been trying to nap for as little as possible.  While I have to commend her desire to be awake and very much a part of my day, it just doesn't work.  She needs her naps, or we don't get anything done.  Once she gets tired, she gets bored.  When she is bored, she is fussy.  When she is fussy, there is little that can be done to satisfy her.  I just hate days like this because we spend the whole day chasing our tails and never getting anywhere.

On top of that I am trying to figure out some sort of reasonable child care option for Briony this fall.  If I was able to find a 9-5 job, daycare would be it.  Unfortunately, finding a daycare that is operational from 3pm to 3am is a bit on the tough side.  Currently, I am looking into the nanny option, but with a variable schedule its hard to find someone flexible enough to be on call and I'd really prefer not to have a different person every time I work.  Financially and with a great deal of strict budgeting (a skill I have never mastered), we could probably swing me being a stay at home mom.  And contrary to the above paragraph, I have enjoyed the recent job switch.  Ideally, I would love to figure out some sort of childcare exchange, unfortunately I just can't get my friends to pop out kids fast enough these days.

Urgh.  I just feel blah and I want something to be easy like it was last week.  Briony and I had so much fun last week.  I had some good shifts at work, where it felt like I might actually be able to tread water when I am off orientation.  I also saw my husband.  Did I mention that I haven't really seen him since Monday.  I suppose its possible he may have existed the last few nights under the lump of covers as I crawled into bed?  Next week he works nights, our schedules are completely opposite and I probably really won't see him.  Uff, complain much, Molly?

Days like today I just have to repeat to myself one of my favorite quotes, "Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes it is the small voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'"  I know it is still early to call the day a complete wash and maybe my little e-rant will allow me to pick myself up and move on.  If not, maybe I'll make the most of today's sulking and agree to try again tomorrow.