Out of Sync

Today I have to gripe.  I had this book as a child called "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" (or something like that).  I often think about that book on days like today.  In fact, I have to admit that I've had a few days where I feel like that title has applied.

This week at work I've had the kind of shifts where I feel like at every turn I am being reminded how much I have to learn.  I couldn't work fast enough, I had to ask stupid questions and nothing went in my favor.  I had my third preceptor in a week.  While, I haven't had a bad one yet, it just takes a great deal of effort to explain what I can and can't do and then to figure out what they trust me to do independently and what they don't.  Nursing also requires a lot of teamwork and getting used to new communication styles amongst my co-workers is also part of the learning process and the learning curve was steep this week.  It didn't help that I simply started out my shift yesterday feeling completely defeated.  On top of all that I had stupid things happen.  For example, the last hour of my shift yesterday every single computer I touched froze up.  My preceptor finally had to get medications out for me because literally all the machines we use to dispense medications froze up trying to read my fingerprint.  It was just that kind of night.

Then today, my one day off for the weekend, Briony and I have been completely out of sync.  She has been trying to nap for as little as possible.  While I have to commend her desire to be awake and very much a part of my day, it just doesn't work.  She needs her naps, or we don't get anything done.  Once she gets tired, she gets bored.  When she is bored, she is fussy.  When she is fussy, there is little that can be done to satisfy her.  I just hate days like this because we spend the whole day chasing our tails and never getting anywhere.

On top of that I am trying to figure out some sort of reasonable child care option for Briony this fall.  If I was able to find a 9-5 job, daycare would be it.  Unfortunately, finding a daycare that is operational from 3pm to 3am is a bit on the tough side.  Currently, I am looking into the nanny option, but with a variable schedule its hard to find someone flexible enough to be on call and I'd really prefer not to have a different person every time I work.  Financially and with a great deal of strict budgeting (a skill I have never mastered), we could probably swing me being a stay at home mom.  And contrary to the above paragraph, I have enjoyed the recent job switch.  Ideally, I would love to figure out some sort of childcare exchange, unfortunately I just can't get my friends to pop out kids fast enough these days.

Urgh.  I just feel blah and I want something to be easy like it was last week.  Briony and I had so much fun last week.  I had some good shifts at work, where it felt like I might actually be able to tread water when I am off orientation.  I also saw my husband.  Did I mention that I haven't really seen him since Monday.  I suppose its possible he may have existed the last few nights under the lump of covers as I crawled into bed?  Next week he works nights, our schedules are completely opposite and I probably really won't see him.  Uff, complain much, Molly?

Days like today I just have to repeat to myself one of my favorite quotes, "Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes it is the small voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'"  I know it is still early to call the day a complete wash and maybe my little e-rant will allow me to pick myself up and move on.  If not, maybe I'll make the most of today's sulking and agree to try again tomorrow.

Corneal Abrasions Amongst Other Things

Briony woke up screaming around 630am yesterday.  Nick and I were perplexed as we walked in her bedroom to check on her.  Once we turned on the light, the source of our daughter's discomfort was obvious.  Briony's left eye was swollen and red.  You could tell it was hard to see out of it because when she opened her eyes she would look around trying to focus and then would have to shut them again.  She screamed and fussed and fussed and screamed.  

Unsure of whether or not it was a bug bite or allergic reaction, Briony and I headed to the pediatrician's office.  I felt so helpless.  She wanted so badly for me to fix it and she tried so hard to be brave.  There is nothing more pathetic than a five month old with a swollen eye, tears streaming down her face in obvious discomfort trying to give her mom a half smile.  As I wandered around the exam room trying to console my uncomfortable child, I couldn't help but reflect on my role as her mother.  At times being a parent is incredibly empowering and at other times I am rendered completely helpless.  

After dying her eye a fluorescent orange and evaluating it under a black light we discovered it was a corneal abrasion or scratch.  She got some eye drops, cried some more tears and ended up with a rather adorable eye patch.  After all was said and done she recovered quite quickly, and is nearly as good as new today.  In the grand scheme of things, I know this is but a scratch in the surface (pun completely intentional) of hardships and trials life could throw her way in the future.  Its hard to be faced with the reality that I just can't always protect her from everything.

In other news, Briony has been working hard on becoming an independent sitter.  She has virtually no interest in lying down anymore, she just wants to sit.  I am starting to feel as though she may take after her grandpa Tom, skip crawling all together and just scoot around on her butt until she learns to walk.  She is completely against any tummy time and has once again gone on a strike against rolling over.  I have one stubborn daughter when she wants to be!

Solid foods are going well.  Virtually every food we've tested so far has been a hit, with the exception of green beans.  They appear to be taking a very low spot on her otherwise growing list of favorite foods.  I believe it has helped us eliminate one night time feeding as we are consistently only getting up once a night these days.  I am also quite convinced that we have some sleepless nights ahead as she and I enter phase two of sleep training to hopefully get rid of this final feeding.  

We had our first family outing to Como Zoo, when Nick was fortunate to receive an unexpected day off on our anniversary.  At this point it was more entertaining for Nick and I than for Briony.  However, as I witnessed at the zoo, I don't think it will be long before she is pushing around her own stroller and forever changing our family outing experience!

I continue to be so amazed at how quickly my baby is changing.  As I stare at her now toothy grin, I can't help but think of how radically she has changed things around our house.  I can only smile at how much joy she has brought us.  I am relishing the ease of our life as we still have a sedentary baby, but am excited for the exploration we can do once she is on the move.  I marvel at how she is already finding her voice, even with words several months away.  She is growing and developing in her opinions and interests.  She has even started to take a genuine interest in books.  At times she even tries to turn the pages!  I have so cherished the ease of my work schedule these past few weeks and am not so secretly relishing the fact that at the present time, my daughter is 100% a mama's girl.  

Goodbye Simple

This time last year our pregnancy was still our own little secret.  We were living our sweet little life, finally lulled into a routine with my working schedule and Nick's clinicals.  I would take naps when I was tired, clean the house when I felt like it.  I could run out on an errand at the spur of a moment, getting out the door in five minutes or less if I wanted.  Looking back now, what a difference a year makes!

I knew as we prepared for the birth of our first born that life would never be the same.  I was told about what a roller coaster ride child rearing can be.  I would dream about the baby coo's and the smiles that we'd be enjoying a year from then...now.  I also knew that everyone would say, "You just can't explain what a change it is to have a baby in your life."  That certainly is the truth.

In the months since February our life has gone from simple and wonderful to complicated and amazing (yet challenging).  I remember discussing in my Psych-Mental Health Nursing course in college those checklists of stressful life events...I would say that in the past few months we have experienced many of them.  I have had a countless number of blogs telling of the adjustments our family is going through these days, and I don't need to rehash them.  

I finally had to face the realization that at this precise moment in time there is absolutely nothing about our life that is simple.  I can also say that in a lot of ways we have never been happier.

Nick loves his residency program.  He was laughed at the other day at work when he showed up and said that he couldn't think of a better place to be.  I guess he better enjoy it since he is spending the better part of at least six days a week there!  We are all adjusting to his utter and complete lack of free time, but I feel pretty certain that by the time we get through this residency process we will be professionals at making the most of the precious time we get together.  We have already gotten better at shutting off the television and computers, so we can enjoy a game together or a nice cuddle and a good laugh with Briony.

I am also really happy with my new job.  I have been challenged in new ways, and professionally the change has been refreshing.  I am once again finding a new niche, or am at least confidant that I will soon.  I have so much to learn.  I never realized how comfortable I had gotten with caring for very sick people.  Metal fragments stuck in the eye of a twenty three year old are much more unknown now than the patient we transferred to the ICU who needed a central line and multiple drips.  I am once again relishing in the variety of my work and relieved to be faced with a little less paper work.  My IV start skills have been less than stellar though...

I continually marvel at the adorable daughter we are raising.  Mostly, I laugh at how everything that used to be so simple before has about ten new steps.  I never leave the house with anything less than a diaper, change of clothes and snack on board.  While daunting there is a lot of pride in anticipating and meeting the needs of a five month old.  I have to admit that when her face lights up in a smile or I get to introduce her to something or someone new...all the complexity she brings becomes a moot point.  There really is nothing more surreal than holding my daughter in my arms, or listening to her babble and trying to imagine what it is she wants to say!

The other evening I had to get Briony and I out the door to a wedding shower.  I had a time commitment to make, something I've started to dread as a new mom.  I also had to balance her very beloved early bedtime ritual with an evening social event.  The entire time I was getting ready I kept  wondering to myself, "how in the world do mom's do this?!"  We managed to get out the door and make it to the shower with plenty of time.  Who knew that twenty verses of "Old McDonald Has a Farm" could be so entertaining and distracting?!

As I was taking the deep breaths I had forgotten to take in the rush out the door, I realized that I was one of those moms.  Somehow we had gotten ourselves out the door.  I am not sure how it happened, but it did.  Apparently the old saying, "do what you gotta do" works as a mom, too.  I guess one foot in front of the other is how it is done.

As a side note Briony did fall apart about half way through and gave everyone a nice show of her flare for drama and her love of bedtime.  We made it though, and I have to say that I love my daughter's spunk and while I fully anticipate some intense moments in the future as we face her many strong opinions...I love the fact that she has them.

With all that said, I am happy with our new, more complicated life.  I only wish it was easier to find a balance between everything.  I need to get better about letting things go.  I can't do some of the things that I've always done, but simultaneously I am doing so much more than I've ever done.  I have never been more challenged, more exhausted, more humble or more in love with my family than I am right now.  Most days my heart is so full I could just burst.  Now, I just need to stop saying..."if only it was simpler..." because we wanted to start our family and I wouldn't take that decision back for anything!