My New Full Time Job

As I sit here and stare into the innocent and sleeping face of my beautiful baby girl, I can't help but marvel at how amazing it is to be so in love with something that takes so much work.

In many ways the last two weeks and two days have been much easier than I imagined, and in other ways much harder.  Last night, two minutes after I put Briony in her crib she started to cry.  I had just crawled into bed, a place I had been longing to be for several hours, and I started to cry too.  I can honestly say they were the first tears I've had since Briony was born.  Nick, a little stunned at having both of his girls in tears, patiently got out of bed, calmed down our daughter and then checked in on me.

All I could do was mutter, "I feel trapped."

Parenting a newborn isn't that difficult.  Partially, of course because our daughter is perfect.  :o)>  Briony's needs are pretty basic at this point and the only time she cries is when she is hungry.  She loves to be held, and we love holding her.  She mostly sleeps and eats.  We have been sticking to a routine when we put her to bed.  While I know that babies don't really catch on to any sort of routine before four to six weeks, I do think she is beginning to understand the differences between night and day.  The only times she fusses at night are when she is hungry, and during the day she has been getting more and more alert.

Breastfeeding on the other hand has been much harder than I imagined it would be.  I feel strongly about our decision to breastfeed and am convinced that we will make it work.  The mechanics of it have been easy.  Fortunately, Briony latched on immediately and really has been a trooper with the process all the way through.  I am not sure how much more difficult this would be if my milk supply was low, or she was a poor sucker.  It's the psychology of breastfeeding that has been difficult.

I was ill prepared for how all consuming it is to breastfeed.  There isn't a single thing on my to do list that I can accomplish without wondering how I can work it in around feedings.  Briony has hungry days and not so hungry days.  I haven't found a lot of success in setting a timer and feeding her religiously at three hour intervals, because sometimes she has no interest and other times she is hungry long before those three hours are up.  I obviously can't expect her to have any patience as she is only two weeks old and only thinks about three things eating, sleeping and pooping/peeing.  Therefore, I am constantly on-call and have to be ready to drop whatever I am doing at a moment's notice.  I truly wasn't prepared for what a mental sport and full time job breastfeeding can be.

The last month of pregnancy I was so eager to give birth to Briony and start sharing the responsibilities of raising her.  I was ready to get back a little of my independence and identity as something other than her incubator.  However, with breastfeeding came a new form of attachment.  In all honesty, the umbilical cord is a much more self-sufficient means of feeding.

My tear fest didn't last too long last night, and I ended it by reminding Nick, through the sniffles, that I love him and that I love our daughter.  I take incredible pride in knowing that my body is nourishing that of my little girl.  It is incredible to me that even though I am no longer her human incubator, I still have a significant role in her continued growth and development.  Her emerging chubby thighs and the realization that she is officially outgrowing her newborn clothes is definite reinforcement that I am doing what I need to do.

I am so grateful that I have an incredibly supportive husband who is understanding of the fact that I can't get everything done on my own.  He jumps up to help with anything at a moment's notice.  I am blessed to have a family that supports us every step of the way.  Briony is growing and changing daily, which certainly encourages me to relish the newborn phase as it is disappearing quickly.  She knows the sound of her dad's voice and listens carefully when he is talking.  She has started to make more eye contact and definitely recognizes when she's in the arms of her milk machine.  Today, she and I practiced recognizing our hands and sticking out our tongues...so much fun!

I think the most important thing for me to remember is that my priorities have changed.  My house may get a little more dusty, Nick may have to be on his own in the kitchen for a while and the laundry piles may get a little bigger before I find time to wash them, but for the time being that's okay.  I have a more important job to do, and like most changes in life there is a learning curve.  I will figure out how to balance everything in time, at the very least I will figure out how to delegate better.