Out of Sync

Today I have to gripe.  I had this book as a child called "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" (or something like that).  I often think about that book on days like today.  In fact, I have to admit that I've had a few days where I feel like that title has applied.

This week at work I've had the kind of shifts where I feel like at every turn I am being reminded how much I have to learn.  I couldn't work fast enough, I had to ask stupid questions and nothing went in my favor.  I had my third preceptor in a week.  While, I haven't had a bad one yet, it just takes a great deal of effort to explain what I can and can't do and then to figure out what they trust me to do independently and what they don't.  Nursing also requires a lot of teamwork and getting used to new communication styles amongst my co-workers is also part of the learning process and the learning curve was steep this week.  It didn't help that I simply started out my shift yesterday feeling completely defeated.  On top of all that I had stupid things happen.  For example, the last hour of my shift yesterday every single computer I touched froze up.  My preceptor finally had to get medications out for me because literally all the machines we use to dispense medications froze up trying to read my fingerprint.  It was just that kind of night.

Then today, my one day off for the weekend, Briony and I have been completely out of sync.  She has been trying to nap for as little as possible.  While I have to commend her desire to be awake and very much a part of my day, it just doesn't work.  She needs her naps, or we don't get anything done.  Once she gets tired, she gets bored.  When she is bored, she is fussy.  When she is fussy, there is little that can be done to satisfy her.  I just hate days like this because we spend the whole day chasing our tails and never getting anywhere.

On top of that I am trying to figure out some sort of reasonable child care option for Briony this fall.  If I was able to find a 9-5 job, daycare would be it.  Unfortunately, finding a daycare that is operational from 3pm to 3am is a bit on the tough side.  Currently, I am looking into the nanny option, but with a variable schedule its hard to find someone flexible enough to be on call and I'd really prefer not to have a different person every time I work.  Financially and with a great deal of strict budgeting (a skill I have never mastered), we could probably swing me being a stay at home mom.  And contrary to the above paragraph, I have enjoyed the recent job switch.  Ideally, I would love to figure out some sort of childcare exchange, unfortunately I just can't get my friends to pop out kids fast enough these days.

Urgh.  I just feel blah and I want something to be easy like it was last week.  Briony and I had so much fun last week.  I had some good shifts at work, where it felt like I might actually be able to tread water when I am off orientation.  I also saw my husband.  Did I mention that I haven't really seen him since Monday.  I suppose its possible he may have existed the last few nights under the lump of covers as I crawled into bed?  Next week he works nights, our schedules are completely opposite and I probably really won't see him.  Uff, complain much, Molly?

Days like today I just have to repeat to myself one of my favorite quotes, "Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes it is the small voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'"  I know it is still early to call the day a complete wash and maybe my little e-rant will allow me to pick myself up and move on.  If not, maybe I'll make the most of today's sulking and agree to try again tomorrow.

Corneal Abrasions Amongst Other Things

Briony woke up screaming around 630am yesterday.  Nick and I were perplexed as we walked in her bedroom to check on her.  Once we turned on the light, the source of our daughter's discomfort was obvious.  Briony's left eye was swollen and red.  You could tell it was hard to see out of it because when she opened her eyes she would look around trying to focus and then would have to shut them again.  She screamed and fussed and fussed and screamed.  

Unsure of whether or not it was a bug bite or allergic reaction, Briony and I headed to the pediatrician's office.  I felt so helpless.  She wanted so badly for me to fix it and she tried so hard to be brave.  There is nothing more pathetic than a five month old with a swollen eye, tears streaming down her face in obvious discomfort trying to give her mom a half smile.  As I wandered around the exam room trying to console my uncomfortable child, I couldn't help but reflect on my role as her mother.  At times being a parent is incredibly empowering and at other times I am rendered completely helpless.  

After dying her eye a fluorescent orange and evaluating it under a black light we discovered it was a corneal abrasion or scratch.  She got some eye drops, cried some more tears and ended up with a rather adorable eye patch.  After all was said and done she recovered quite quickly, and is nearly as good as new today.  In the grand scheme of things, I know this is but a scratch in the surface (pun completely intentional) of hardships and trials life could throw her way in the future.  Its hard to be faced with the reality that I just can't always protect her from everything.

In other news, Briony has been working hard on becoming an independent sitter.  She has virtually no interest in lying down anymore, she just wants to sit.  I am starting to feel as though she may take after her grandpa Tom, skip crawling all together and just scoot around on her butt until she learns to walk.  She is completely against any tummy time and has once again gone on a strike against rolling over.  I have one stubborn daughter when she wants to be!

Solid foods are going well.  Virtually every food we've tested so far has been a hit, with the exception of green beans.  They appear to be taking a very low spot on her otherwise growing list of favorite foods.  I believe it has helped us eliminate one night time feeding as we are consistently only getting up once a night these days.  I am also quite convinced that we have some sleepless nights ahead as she and I enter phase two of sleep training to hopefully get rid of this final feeding.  

We had our first family outing to Como Zoo, when Nick was fortunate to receive an unexpected day off on our anniversary.  At this point it was more entertaining for Nick and I than for Briony.  However, as I witnessed at the zoo, I don't think it will be long before she is pushing around her own stroller and forever changing our family outing experience!

I continue to be so amazed at how quickly my baby is changing.  As I stare at her now toothy grin, I can't help but think of how radically she has changed things around our house.  I can only smile at how much joy she has brought us.  I am relishing the ease of our life as we still have a sedentary baby, but am excited for the exploration we can do once she is on the move.  I marvel at how she is already finding her voice, even with words several months away.  She is growing and developing in her opinions and interests.  She has even started to take a genuine interest in books.  At times she even tries to turn the pages!  I have so cherished the ease of my work schedule these past few weeks and am not so secretly relishing the fact that at the present time, my daughter is 100% a mama's girl.  

Goodbye Simple

This time last year our pregnancy was still our own little secret.  We were living our sweet little life, finally lulled into a routine with my working schedule and Nick's clinicals.  I would take naps when I was tired, clean the house when I felt like it.  I could run out on an errand at the spur of a moment, getting out the door in five minutes or less if I wanted.  Looking back now, what a difference a year makes!

I knew as we prepared for the birth of our first born that life would never be the same.  I was told about what a roller coaster ride child rearing can be.  I would dream about the baby coo's and the smiles that we'd be enjoying a year from then...now.  I also knew that everyone would say, "You just can't explain what a change it is to have a baby in your life."  That certainly is the truth.

In the months since February our life has gone from simple and wonderful to complicated and amazing (yet challenging).  I remember discussing in my Psych-Mental Health Nursing course in college those checklists of stressful life events...I would say that in the past few months we have experienced many of them.  I have had a countless number of blogs telling of the adjustments our family is going through these days, and I don't need to rehash them.  

I finally had to face the realization that at this precise moment in time there is absolutely nothing about our life that is simple.  I can also say that in a lot of ways we have never been happier.

Nick loves his residency program.  He was laughed at the other day at work when he showed up and said that he couldn't think of a better place to be.  I guess he better enjoy it since he is spending the better part of at least six days a week there!  We are all adjusting to his utter and complete lack of free time, but I feel pretty certain that by the time we get through this residency process we will be professionals at making the most of the precious time we get together.  We have already gotten better at shutting off the television and computers, so we can enjoy a game together or a nice cuddle and a good laugh with Briony.

I am also really happy with my new job.  I have been challenged in new ways, and professionally the change has been refreshing.  I am once again finding a new niche, or am at least confidant that I will soon.  I have so much to learn.  I never realized how comfortable I had gotten with caring for very sick people.  Metal fragments stuck in the eye of a twenty three year old are much more unknown now than the patient we transferred to the ICU who needed a central line and multiple drips.  I am once again relishing in the variety of my work and relieved to be faced with a little less paper work.  My IV start skills have been less than stellar though...

I continually marvel at the adorable daughter we are raising.  Mostly, I laugh at how everything that used to be so simple before has about ten new steps.  I never leave the house with anything less than a diaper, change of clothes and snack on board.  While daunting there is a lot of pride in anticipating and meeting the needs of a five month old.  I have to admit that when her face lights up in a smile or I get to introduce her to something or someone new...all the complexity she brings becomes a moot point.  There really is nothing more surreal than holding my daughter in my arms, or listening to her babble and trying to imagine what it is she wants to say!

The other evening I had to get Briony and I out the door to a wedding shower.  I had a time commitment to make, something I've started to dread as a new mom.  I also had to balance her very beloved early bedtime ritual with an evening social event.  The entire time I was getting ready I kept  wondering to myself, "how in the world do mom's do this?!"  We managed to get out the door and make it to the shower with plenty of time.  Who knew that twenty verses of "Old McDonald Has a Farm" could be so entertaining and distracting?!

As I was taking the deep breaths I had forgotten to take in the rush out the door, I realized that I was one of those moms.  Somehow we had gotten ourselves out the door.  I am not sure how it happened, but it did.  Apparently the old saying, "do what you gotta do" works as a mom, too.  I guess one foot in front of the other is how it is done.

As a side note Briony did fall apart about half way through and gave everyone a nice show of her flare for drama and her love of bedtime.  We made it though, and I have to say that I love my daughter's spunk and while I fully anticipate some intense moments in the future as we face her many strong opinions...I love the fact that she has them.

With all that said, I am happy with our new, more complicated life.  I only wish it was easier to find a balance between everything.  I need to get better about letting things go.  I can't do some of the things that I've always done, but simultaneously I am doing so much more than I've ever done.  I have never been more challenged, more exhausted, more humble or more in love with my family than I am right now.  Most days my heart is so full I could just burst.  Now, I just need to stop saying..."if only it was simpler..." because we wanted to start our family and I wouldn't take that decision back for anything!

Conflicted

Sometimes I wish there wasn't so much gray area in the whole life choices department.

When we found out we were pregnant, a little over a year ago, I didn't really know what to think about my role as a stay at home mom vs. a working mom.  I use those terms for lack of anything better because stay at home moms certainly are working moms!  In an attempt to figure out the right decision for us, Nick and I have spent a great deal of time discussing our financial situation, our family priorities and my professional goals.  I have to admit that Nick's opportunity to be the stay at home parent over the past few weeks certainly has added to the quality of our discussions.  I guess I had hoped that when the time came the decision would be easier, or at least more clear.

I've been back to work for a month now, part time, and I can honestly say the decision is still unclear.  Since Nick didn't start his Residency Program until this week, I've had the peace of mind at work knowing that Briony has been at home with him.  It made going back to work SO much easier.  I have realized when I am home it is easy to talk a big game and say that I don't really want a professional career, but when I am at work I am reminded that I take a ton of pride in what I do and I have chosen a rewarding and challenging career.  I am by no means a super nurse, but I do think I am pretty good at what I do and generally add something to the units I work on.  I enjoy the challenges and I look forward to new opportunities; hence the reason I am starting a new job next week.  I also enjoy my peers and the opportunity for some adult interaction.  While in my career I still don't escape the diaper changes, it is nice to have a little break from baby babble and singing nursery rhymes.

On the other hand, when I am at home and I see how much easier it is to maintain a schedule that suits Briony's needs, I can't help but think she'd benefit tremendously from a stay at home parent.  Our family and home probably would, too.  While a lot of parenting is instinctual, it isn't just 100% natural.  I have been surprised at how much personality a baby can have.  A huge part of parenting is seeing your child as a person.  You can read all the parenting books you want, but to be a good parent you also have to know your child.

Briony may be four months old, but I can tell you that we get glimpses of her personality every day.  For example, she is opinionated and wildly dramatic.  Briony can switch from "okay, this is good," to "mom, how could you be so stupid" within a matter of seconds.  She is an observer, never wanting to miss a thing.  She knows her parents and smiles at us often, but with strangers she is quite serious.  I am realizing she is an independent learner.  Tummy time goes much more smoothly when I leave her alone.  She loves to cuddle when the time is right, but when she is ready for bed that is the only place she wants to be.  She is definitely her own person and we see more of that shining through everyday.  When I am home with her, I feel like things just click.

It isn't that I don't think a daycare would meet her needs, because I think that when they are in the business of children they probably would do more with her in a day than I do.  She would also get an awesome opportunity for peer interaction; certainly there isn't anything wrong with learning to work with others.  I just feel that when I am not at home with her, I start to feel out of touch.  When I work a couple twelve hour shifts I feel like she and I need to get back in the groove again.  It is hard to switch between my parental self and my professional self.

I suppose this is a part of life.  We all have various roles we play as mothers, daughters, spouses, co-workers and friends and somehow we have to find a balance between these roles in our lives and make them work.  It's just hard because I want to be 100% there for everyone.

Before I start whining, I should shift focus and point out that I am extremely blessed to be in this situation.  Like so many other times over the past year I am struck with how fortunate Nick and I have been.  First off, I get to be a mom to the most beautiful daughter I could imagine.  This is by far the most rewarding and challenging role I've ever had and I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I also have a husband who is entirely supportive of what I do and the best team mate I've ever known.

As a nurse, I am part of an amazing field of work.  The opportunity I have on a daily basis to influence people's lives, the work flexibility and the opportunity to shift my career focus before I get burned out is awesome.  There is absolutely no excuse to get bored.  I am also thankful that in such a fragile economy we have the option to be a two income family.  To be in a situation where we can choose what we want to do is certainly enviable.  Nick and I have yet to deal with the struggles of unemployment, and I am thankful for each day we can avoid that.

Finally and probably most importantly, we have a tremendously supportive family living close to us.  As intriguing as it was to think of moving to Colorado or Boston for residency, I can't be more thankful that we can be close to our support network over the next three years.  I always understood in theory the concept that it takes a village to raise a child, but now I am a firm believer.  We have also had plenty of family and friends offering to help us out this summer while we figure things out.  I can say that I can't thank everyone enough for being flexible and understanding.

With that said, I find myself yet again in that fabulous world of slowing down and taking everything one day at a time.  I think often about the verse in Matthew where it is written, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."  With all of life's uncertainties it is just too easy to slip into a pattern of anxiety and "what ifs."  I can really work myself into a tailspin if I let life get too far ahead of me.  I keep telling myself that eventually we'll find what works best for our family.  Nick and I have certainly worked through these kinds of changes before.  I guess it is kind of ironic that it takes change to remind me that if there is anything in life to count on it is that change is a constant.  I just need to be patient and trusting that it will work out.  Life is an amusement park, I better enjoy the ride!
   

Grandpa Elwood

I believe my first question when I interviewed my grandpa for a sixth grade project about World War II veterans was, "how do I spell your name?"  It seems funny to think about now, but apparently after twelve years I still hadn't figured out whether Elwood was spelled with one or two l's.  I learned a lot about my grandpa during the interview.

I remember taking it very seriously.  Grandpa had actually agreed to visit me at school, and we conducted the interview in the principal's office (a familiar place for him after 30 years in the St. Paul School District).  Grandpa showed up in a suit and proceeded to share his experiences as a medic in the war.  I had more than enough material to write my paper.  Our class ended up putting together a little book with the compilation of all our interviews.  I shared the book with my mom and aunt after it was finished.  I was surprised to learn that Grandpa really hadn't shared many of those stories, and my mom and aunt learned many new things about their dad through that project.

Grandpa actually went on to write a compilation of memories he had from growing up and he gave them to the family several years ago.  He shared stories from his childhood, through the army and during his years as a husband, father and educator.  I feel certain these stories will continue to be read and shared for generations to come.  They were certainly appreciated by the many visitors at his funeral today.

This past week has been one of reflection.  We have shared many memories, and shed tears of joy and sorrow.  As a family, we have reflected often on the remarkable man I came to know as my grandpa.  This week I have had the distinct privilege to meet many different people whose lives have also been touched by Elwood Lundeen.  While many incredible things were said about him, I think one of the most common threads was that we all knew the same man.  He gave himself equally to everyone he met.

The hospice aid that cared for him last week remarked about the Thursday she had with him before he died.  It was apparently a very good day for Grandpa.  He was clear of mind and full of energy.  She said that if there were any family secrets to be told she had heard them.  He had apparently shared countless of stories with her.  Grandpa used these stories to connect with everyone he met.  While he had a special spot in his heart for his family, I think that anyone who knew him felt in some way that they were themselves family.

Grandpa had an uncanny ability of bringing out the best in people.  I marveled this week when I thought about the differences in each of us grandchildren.  He had five.  Near as I can tell he bragged about us relentlessly.  We are all incredibly different, and each had unique relationships with Grandpa.  While he held high expectations of us, I don't believe that any of us ever felt that we were letting him down and he always fully supported our individual endeavors.  Never once did I feel like he wanted me to be more or less of what I was.  My cousin commented on it yesterday as well.  She remarked on Grandpa's acceptance of us, and his understanding of our unique gifts. 

In the service today, the pastor reminded us that in death we often have a tendency to make people into superhero's, and my humble grandfather would be the first to admit that he was only human.  Indeed, many wonderful stories of grandpa's human-ness were shared today.  However, I think through the eyes of a granddaughter, my grandfather has always been a superhero of mine and today I couldn't be more thankful for the 27+ years that I spent as one of his granddaughters.  Somebody told me today that grandpa used to tell them that I was a keeper.  Well, grandpa you're a keeper, too!

KP

I used to attend a bible camp during the summers we were here in the states.  I would sometimes go with a group of youth from our church, but usually I was on my own.

One particular summer, I was the lone stranger in a room full of girls from another church.  They were the kind of catty friends that only got along because they didn't.  Thankfully for me, they only fought with one another, and didn't choose to include me in their fights.  I spent a lot of the week listening as each girl complained about the others, or mediating their fights.  

At the end of the week we had an opportunity to share our highs and lows.  When my turn came around they all looked at me very surprised when I answered that my high of the entire week of camp had been the night our cabin had kitchen patrol.  I explained to them that it was the only night everyone had gotten along.  I told them it was the only time I had heard them encourage one another.  As an added bonus we had completed our KP duties in record time.  I think we even exchanged high fives as a group.  They laughed together as I shared my insights about that night.  They also agreed that it had been a fun night and had enjoyed working together.

If you were to ask me what my favorite chore is, hands down I would tell you it is washing the dishes.  As a camper, that week especially, it helped us bond and work together amidst a great deal of dysfunction.  When I was a counselor, I enjoyed the opportunity to talk with my campers, sing songs and reflect on our day's activities.  My dishwashing skills were recognized and appreciated on my first camping trip with Nick's family.  I have even used dishwashing as an excuse to get out of a few undesired activities, namely charades with the in laws.

Tonight, I got to add another reason to my list of why I love dishwashing.  With Nick back at work, he has taken over the duty of putting Briony to bed at night.  Our daughter loves her bedtime routine.  I may seem crazy to speculate that a nine week old knows when it is time for bed at night, but she does.  As Nick changed her into her pajamas she started to coo at him.  It is one of the sweetest, most delightful sounds I have ever heard.  My heart absolutely melted.  Tonight, I would have washed all the dishes in the house if it had meant I could prolong those precious moments between dad and daughter.

Parenting Lessons are Life Lessons

I just need to start by saying that this weekend was one of the best I've had in a long time.  I got to re-connect with co-workers and friends alike.  Sometimes the whole "new parent" thing can be a bit isolating especially when you're the one trail blazing the path in your friend and family circles.  However, this weekend we were graciously welcomed at several gatherings.  I must admit that when our friends, concerned about helping Briony get a little rest, turned down the music at a barbecue I realized how different our life has become.  We are so blessed to have people in our lives that accept us for where we are in life even if they haven't quite gotten to this stage yet.

In fact, I had a friend ask recently if I felt like I've done it all.  She was referring to the fact that in the past three years I have gotten married, switched jobs, bought a house, gotten a dog, been pregnant and now delivered my first baby.  I chuckled and laughed.  I certainly have experienced many milestones, but now I am finding that there is a whole new world of milestones that we have embarked upon in this new phase of our life.  

Being a parent hasn't really closed doors; it has opened a few as well.  Most notably, and not unlike most changes in life, the past few months have allowed ample opportunity for personal growth and reflection. I started this blog as a means to reflect on my life in the "now," hence the title.  I am an impatient one, and always have been. I spend a lot of time looking forward to the next thing and sometimes don't enjoy the present for what it is.  

Pregnancy is a big test of patience, but one of the things I realized is that to be patient you have to appreciate the present.  I heeded the advice when I was pregnant to really enjoy the last few months of just Nick and I.  We did, and I don't regret it.  We enjoyed more date nights than our budget probably allowed, and even spent a weekend up North hiking on one of the last nice weekends of the fall.  Briony's entrance into our lives has definitely changed the freedom we had before to create quality time with one another.  However, the fact that we were so purposeful about our time before has helped us understand the importance of creating time together now.  Of course it is always easier said than done, but we're working on it.

While pregnancy was full of anticipation, which is usually the culprit that leads to my impatience, so is parenthood...at least new parenthood (since I do realize my experience is still quite limited).  You can call it baby blues, post-partum depression, sleep deprivation or whatever you want, but the first few weeks were tough.  As the endorphins began to wear off after delivery, I grew impatient for the next step.  I was eager to see her grow.  I wanted to know what her personality was going to be.  I wanted to lock eyes with her and see her grin.  I started to sense myself getting impatient again as I anticipated what the next steps in Briony's development would be.

When Briony was about a month old, my mom commented on how she remembers that anticipation.  She relayed to me how eager she was for those next steps to come, too.  However, now that she has been through it she knows that those steps will come and that you don't get to go back to how they are right now.   It was a fleeting statement, one that we didn't dwell on for very long, but it has stuck with me.  With those words she reminded me that life keeps going.  There is no rewind button.  She reminded me that when I look back on this time I will realize that impatience wasn't necessary because the next phase will come.

I now find that I am letting myself slow down.  I am trying not to imagine all that Briony will be because in time that will all happen, I am trying to relish in what she is now.  She is an extremely content little lady.  In fact, we've been downright spoiled.  She eats well, and seems to grow in front of our eyes.  She stares at her dad like he is the only person in the world.  She lets us know when she is tired and falls asleep like a champ.  She is starting to coo and her grin lights up the room.  Life is simple right now, and I need to relish that.  It won't be long before I am chasing her around, wondering where my innocent baby disappeared to.

The more I've pondered and practiced my more patient outlook, the more I wish I'd realized this sooner.  As complicated as life seems sometimes, it only gets more so.  When I was in sixth grade I couldn't wait to get to middle school because then I would be allowed to chew gum.  Once in middle school, I found out that chewing gum was quite minute in the grand scheme of adjusting to the independence that you develop as a teen.  When I graduated from high school, I couldn't wait to head to college only to be bombarded with syllabi.  Now, I long for the time when the act of procrastination affected no one but myself.

Don't get me wrong, I still have multiple times a day when I anticipate the future thinking it will be simpler.  For example, I frequently find myself saying, "If I could just get a full night's sleep, then I would..."  However, changing my mindset and increasing my awareness of my impatience has really improved my frame of mind.  I guess we'll see how long it takes before life teaches me my next lesson in patience.