Nine Weeks

Tomorrow begins the 31st week of this pregnancy.  I can hardly believe there are only nine weeks (give or take a few) to go.  I have to admit that February still feels like a long ways away, but in the context of being more than 3/4 of the way through I really start to see how close we are getting.

I have been extremely fortunate this time around to have a straightforward pregnancy.  My morning sickness the first trimester was only ever as bad as a hangover, without the preceding fun night of memories.  I never even puked.  Although future first time pregnant women be warned, the gag reflex really picks up during pregnancy.  The fatigue was brutal, but at least I was able to get the rest I needed.  Next time around it probably won't be as easy to do that.  I haven't had any crazy cravings, although I find it funny that in the dead of winter the most consistent craving has been for popsicles.  The mood swings haven't been nearly as wild as I had anticipated, and our marriage has certainly benefited from that.

My major struggle during the second trimester was one that I hadn't anticipated because overall I felt really great.  Second trimester was when I really started to show, and I struggled a lot more with body image than I realized I would.  The bump has grown on me, pun intended, but it took a while to accept it.  Surprisingly, it wasn't really the way it looked when I saw myself in the mirror, it was more the way I felt.  It started with the weight gain.  I knew I'd gain weight, but it was hard coming to the realization that baby was in control and I no longer was.  Then my clothes started to be less comfortable.  I noticed that t-shirts that fit the week before, were no longer appropriate the following week.  Being someone who still wears jeans from high school, this was a new experience for me.  I realized that waking up in the morning and not knowing for sure if the clothes I picked out were going to fit was terribly unsettling.  While I am very grateful to not have to deal with the end stages of pregnancy and sweltering summer heat, it isn't all that exciting to dress in the necessary winter layers on days when I feel whale like.  

About the time I began to accept my changing body, the comments began.  My growing belly became the topic of conversation, and everywhere I turned I was reminded of it.  Coming from the relative secrecy of the first trimester, where people would only know I was pregnant if I told them, it was strange to have such a personal experience become front and center.  The emerging bump somehow makes complete strangers feel entitled to touch your stomach and ask questions about your life that in any other circumstance wouldn't necessarily be acceptable.  To have my changing body be a conversation starter in and of itself, was a very odd experience for an introvert like me.

Now that I have come to accept the inevitable physical changes of pregnancy, I am starting to feel the effects of these changes on my body.  I laid down last night and asked Nick if it was normal to feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest.  I am finding that I need to stop more and more frequently to catch my breath as this little one encroaches on my diaphragm.  Putting on socks and tying my shoes requires a game plan and strategy.  My previously brisk walking pace, is slowly turning into a definite waddle.  My empathy for my mom and grandpa grows everyday as I occasionally get restless legs now...thanks baby.  Waking up with cramping calves has become a new form of an alarm clock, but at least it leaves me with the sore feeling of a good leg workout.  It was also a little startling to come home after a seemingly harmless walk through the snow at the park and find myself forced to stay on the couch for the day guzzling water and trying to beat back regular 2-4 minute apart braxton hicks contractions.

I don't usually like to insert disclaimers in my writing, but feel a need to do so right now.  Hopefully, this post doesn't come across as complaining.  I have been extremely thankful for the relative ease of this pregnancy.  I write these things more out of need to process the experience, than to complain about it.  I really have found pregnancy to be incredibly miraculous and am so excited about the baby we will welcome into our family in February.  The love and support I have had from my family and friends throughout the past eight months has been extremely amazing and I am so thankful that.  I am a firm believer that it takes a village to raise a child, and our child is going to benefit greatly from our community of loved ones.

As we get closer to our due date, I am finally starting to kick into gear on the nursery.  I started clearing out the office, and finally feel like I have a vision for the room.  We were blessed with the gift of a crib from Nick's mom and crib sheets from his sister for Christmas and now that it is put together I want it to have a home.  However, I would definitely venture to say that not knowing the gender of our child has limited the compulsion to shop for it.  I find myself focusing more on the things that we'll need to care for our little one in those first few months, than on all the extras that businesses like to market to new parents.

As a side note, I would like to insert that throughout this pregnancy I have found myself feeling quite strongly that we are having a boy.  However, over the past few days I have been feeling more girl vibes and am now left a little confused.  Contrary to the conspiracy theory that we do know the gender and are simply choosing not to share it, we are left waiting as anxiously as everyone else.  I chuckled to myself a few weeks ago when one of my co-workers told me that a mom always knows what they're having.  I guess I am thankful that I'll have many years to prove my worth as a mom, and will hopefully not be judged based on a 50/50 chance.  I for one was blessed with a fabulous mother who has proved her worth over and over again, and yet she was so convinced that I was a boy that she called me a "he" for the first few weeks of my life.  I guess we'll see if history repeats itself...

It is still a little surreal to think that in a few short months our baby will take up permanent residence in our home.  I get super excited when I think of the ways in which we anticipate this child to change our lives, but even more excited when I realize that we will be changed in ways we do not yet know.  It is definitely unnerving to think about, as child rearing is no easy task and comes with many unforeseen challenges.  However, Nick and I pride ourselves in our communication and have felt reassured to find that when we discuss some of the challenges we anticipate as parents, we are often on the same page.  More important than our parenting values, has been our repeated commitment to support one another in our parenting decisions.  It is nice to know that while we both realize we will disagree on things, we recognize that it is most important to be a united front.

As I have come to more fully accept the physical and emotional challenges of pregnancy, I am finding myself now eagerly anticipating and waiting for the birth of our child.  I find myself focusing less on the here and now of pregnancy and instead focusing on the inevitable result of it.  We had a delightful visit last weekend with Nick's cousins and their four month old son.  I laughed as his cousin, a little mortified that her son had spit up on me, apologized for the mess.  To me, it was just a taste of what is to come.  I know I'll have times in the next several months where I will panic and ask myself what in the world am I going to do with this tiny being.  I might even ask myself how it was that I ever thought I'd be prepared to be a parent.  However, I wasn't weirded out by the mess, or annoyed by his tears.  Instead I found myself saying, bring it on.  I am ready for this...or at least I will be in nine weeks.

    

Click

There is an Adam Sandler movie that is ringing a little too close to home today.  The movie is called "Click."  Adam Sandler plays a man who receives a special remote control that can fast forward his life.  Naturally, he spends a lot of time fast forwarding the bad parts hoping that he can just jump to the fun stuff.  He thinks that if he can just quickly get through the current hurdle and the hard work that he can enjoy the benefits and fabulous life he's expecting.  I won't risk spoiling the movie, but I suppose it doesn't take too much intuition to figure out what kind of lesson he learns at the end of the movie.

I am having one of those "wishing I could fast forward" days.  I am impatient and I just want answers.  I want to know what my baby looks and acts like and what it feels like to be a parent.  I want to know if I'll be able to handle sleep deprivation and balancing another member of the family.  I want to know where my husband is going to get into residency, so I can start anticipating the next house project or the move.  I want to get through my next three days of work and enjoy a few days off again.  I want to know for a fact that all the many unknown pieces of our life puzzle will fall into place and everything will be fine.  My list goes on and on.  As a result I am moping.  I am not getting a thing done.  I am stuck in an impatient rut of wanting to move forward, but not able to because I won't be able to move time fast enough for myself to be satisfied today.

The irony of this funk is striking as we are now two weeks into the Advent season.  Being born and raised Lutheran, the fact that Advent is the season of waiting is no secret to me.  This is the time of preparation and patience as we anticipate Christmas.  Consumerism certainly helps remind us with the preparation part of the holiday.  We are constantly bombarded with commercials reminding us of our secular Christmas to do lists.  

However, the waiting part is completely escaping me.  At least it is escaping me today.  Because today I don't want to wait anymore; I want to know for a fact that all will be well.  I don't want to be patient.  I don't want to find it all out in due time.  I want to know it RIGHT NOW.

I guess it is a good think I don't have one of those magic remotes because I am pretty sure I'd go against my better judgment and use it today.  I'd fast forward through today and find myself at work tomorrow.  It still wouldn't give me the reassurance I am looking for today and I'd fast forward through work.  Pretty soon, I'd find myself several years down the road unsure of the path I've taken.  I would feel unsettled because I'd have missed out on the process and would be curious to know how my current state is going to work itself out.  Soon the experience would be lost and I'd simply be an audience member of my own life.

There is after all a reason that I only have to tackle so many tasks a day.  To complete a lifetime everyday would be very exhausting and probably not nearly as enjoyable.  I suppose I could get moving, and stop sulking.  I could accept that today may not solve all the unknowns I have right now.  Instead I can take comfort in knowing that time will keep marching on and most likely, contrary to today, I'll be back to wishing it would all slow down.