On Becoming a Runner

"Call...(gasp)...911...(gasp)...I need (gasp gasp) an ambulance..."  These were the words I uttered as my fellow classmates ran past me in the spring of 5th grade as we ran our mile run for the Presidential Fitness awards in gym class.  What can I say I've always had a flare for the dramatic?!

I do remember that run as if it were yesterday.  My family had just returned from from Madagascar.  Prior to going to Madagascar I had been doing gymnastics nine hours a week and then practicing in all my spare time.  I had no problems with the Presidential Fitness challenges.  Then I got tendonitis and we moved to a land where gymnastics was nonexistent.  I dreamed of starting my own gymnastics club there, not feasible for an eleven year old.  In my many acts of 4th and 5th grade rebellion I participated less and less in gym class.  I complained about every activity we did.  I was lazy.

I paid for every second of my laziness when we got back to the US.  I remember feeling embarrassed and mad at myself.  I also remember that I HATED running.  I got back into gymnastics, my beloved sport, and slowly improved in the fitness department.  I never did like running, but by the time I was in 7th grade I had the fastest mile run in my gym class.  My gym teacher even proclaimed to my mom at conferences that I ran pretty fast "for a girl!"  Shame on him...

When High School ended, so did my participation in gymnastics.  I found myself in a predicament much like I had in Madagascar.  However, this time I had a bit more perspective.  I realized that throughout my time in the sport of gymnastics I'd always had a coach dictating my conditioning.  I had to work out because they told me to.  Every push up, sit up, mandatory lap around the field or runs up and down the hill outside our gym was decided upon by someone else.  Believe me I complained, but I always had a coach pushing me.  I loved the sport so I let them do it.

Suddenly, I had to develop self motivation.  My excuses were many, and this time I didn't have a coach to tell me I was ridiculous and to just put my energy into the task at hand.  I ran off and on in college.  I had some moderate success, but mostly I continued to be the queen of excuses.  It is amazing how many reasons can be invented to NOT run, or not finish a run.

Mostly, I've had a hate relationship with running.  I started it because it was a cheap and efficient work out, and I like the bodies of those that ran.  I never considered myself a runner.  I spent a lot of runs contracting with myself to make it just a little further.  Rarely would I finish the distance I'd intended.  Gradually, I found that running is a major mind game for me.  Lo and behold when I told myself I couldn't do it, I didn't.

This week I made a breakthrough.  I had worked myself into a tizzy fretting about our basement project.  My nails were gone and there was no chocolate in the house.  I had a whiny daughter and a moping dog.  Nick was sleeping and our house felt claustrophobic.  I needed to get out.  I've been running a lot more this spring than I have in years, and on this particular day I knew I needed to run.

With Briony strapped into the jogger and Sadie on leash at my side we hit the pavement.  I let my legs travel our route and then two miles into our run I realized I hadn't once thought about how out of breath I was, or the sweat that was forming on my face.  I hadn't even told myself to "just run to the next street light."  I had not once thought about how much work it was to run, instead I had completely lost myself in other thoughts.  I was feeling better.  Briony was quiet and waving at the passerby's and Sadie's tongue was satisfyingly hanging out the side of her mouth.

That's when I realized that this is what people talk about when they love running.  I'd only rarely experienced this in my eleven years of running attempts.  I stepped up my pace that day, ran a little longer than usual and came home ready to run again tomorrow.

Yesterday was national running day.  I didn't know it until after my run, but was proud that I'd been out.  I am starting to see that it is addictive.  It feels good.  I don't run far or fast.  I sometimes wish that my runs didn't always have to include the strong willed dog or the beefy baby jogger, but I don't plan on trading in my cheer squad either.

Like many things lately, and perhaps what the purpose of this blog has always been, I found that changing my perspective a little has improved my willingness to get out there.  This week I've tried to think of running as more of a privilege than a chore.

I remain reluctant to call myself a runner, but I am working on it.  When I think of the die hard runners in my life, I hope I don't offend them.  I truly only run my little four mile loop several times a week, and on the days Nick joins us he is reminded that I can be painstakingly slow.  However, I can honestly say now that I love it.  I've made good progress in the past few months and am proud of my physical accomplishments.  Even more rewarding though has been overcoming the huge mental barrier I've had with running for all these years.  It's amazing what kind of progress is made when I stop telling myself I can't.  I've come a long ways since that fifth grade self was ready to give up.

I thought I'd conclude with a quote I stole off a dedicated runner's facebook page.  This quote has stuck with me the past months since I saw it and has encouraged me to get out there and just do it...maybe it can do the same for someone else.  "If you run, you are a runner.  It doesn't matter how fast or how far. It doesn't matter if today is your first day or if you've been running for twenty years.  There is no test to pass, no license to earn, no membership card to get.  You just run."  -John Bingham

Quiet

Sometimes the quiet of my house is eerie.  I hear creaks and flutters and am left to wonder what is lurking outside my windows.  For this very reason, I've had to give up watching shows like "Law and Order" or Criminal Minds."  Sometimes my imagination just gets the best of me.

Tonight, the silence is welcome.  What a day we have had!  It has been a wonderful and jam packed day.  I started by going for a spontaneous and what turned out to be an excellently timed run, as the rain moved in shortly after I returned home and proceeded to fall the rest of the day.  A last minute jaunt to Target and quick visit from my brother-in-law rounded out the morning.  Briony and I then attended the wedding reception of one my old friends, and a family reunion this evening.  We were busy and very social.  I am an introvert, so tonight I will admit that I am exhausted.  I am reveling in the the quiet of my house tonight.  I am tempted to turn on some music, or a movie...but not just yet.  

Briony went to bed easily and now I am left reflecting.  I am so thankful tonight.  I have had a chance to reconnect and celebrate with people I hadn't seen in years.  I enjoyed the comfort of family.  Most of all, I got to experience the thrill of new places and spaces through the eyes of my toddler.  These types of events are quite different with a toddler in tow.  Its draining.  There is very little down time and conversations are often abbreviated because there needs to be time for exploring and moving.  I always have to think for two in terms of food.  There are mandatory breaks for diaper changes, and nap time must be considered.  There is a fine line between teaching my child to be adaptable and flexible, and yet providing enough structure to ensure that she still feels comfortable.  Today, was the first day that I felt I was able to manage at least a small amount of balance.  I am chalking today up as a mini-triumph day.

After I kissed my sweet girl for the last time tonight and gently shut the door to her room, I was greeted with my sometimes arduous task of cleaning up from the day's adventures.  I always try to clean up throughout the day, but usually by mid-day the battle is lost.  I read somewhere that "cleaning up after children is like shoveling during a snowstorm."  I couldn't agree more.  Inevitably, the first several minutes after Briony goes to bed I am left with some sort of tidying up.

Sometimes, I dread it.  I want to just crawl back into the rocker in Briony's room, turn off the lights and just forget about the disaster that awaits throughout the house.  Other nights, I've found I enjoy it.  I try and embrace these rare nights.  Rather than sigh and let this chore fatigue me, I imagine I am on a bit of a time travel journey throughout the day.  Tonight was one of those nights.

As I walked through the house trying to put things back in their allocated spots, I remembered the events of the day.  I cleaned up the last bits of dropped food that Briony used to show me she was done eating.  I let myself imagine the days to come when she will be civilized and verbalize that she is full, rather than barbarically discard the last bits of food to the floor.  I chuckled as I put away her drum and relived when she pulled it out and promptly started dancing.  I put her shoes away and reflect upon how much work it can be to get out the door.  Sometimes, I find a few surprises, like the block that was tossed in the dog's water dish, the remote stuffed in the couch cushions or the few pieces of dog food in the tupperware cabinet.  I then proceeded to unpack our diaper bag and pull out the day's treasured toys that helped extend my toddler's patience just a little longer.  I put away the extra pairs of clothes and layers we needed because today Minnesota weather reminded us how finicky spring can be.

Mostly, I am reminded about how completely this little lady of ours has taken over our lives.  She fills up our house with so much laughter, chaos and joy.  Finished with my cleaning I collapse on the couch and think of simpler times when my days didn't end with so many chores.  Then I look up from the couch to find a taunting reminder that indeed a mother's work is never done...the last lone block sitting under the television stand...

Sap

Lately, inspiration to blog has been fleeting at best.  Today is different.  Today it is raining, I have no agenda and my family is all tucked away in their respective beds.  Nick and the dog are spooning in our room, since Nick worked nights last night and Sadie doesn't miss an opportunity to nap in bed.  Briony has settled into her afternoon nap.  That only leaves me curled up on the couch with a fleece blanket (humidity makes me cold), windows open, a cold beer in hand and a little spare time to type.  

Glorious rain.  I am so inspired when it rains.  Maybe I'd be a better blogger if I lived in Seattle...probably won't be able to test that theory for a few years anyway.

I was asked at work the other night how my home life was going...I can honestly say that for now we seem to have settled into a bit of a status quo.  At first, I was a little antsy.  The missionary kid in me is usually a little reluctant to accept when things quiet down.  However, I am kind of enjoying it.  We have plenty of ambiguity with Nick's continued variable schedule...oh, and that constantly growing and changing toddler we are parenting...but most days we seem to know what to expect.  I have even started cleaning the house and cooking on a semi-regular basis.  Good for me (and so many miles away from where I was last year at this time)!

Being a mommy is by far the most exciting, rejuvenating, draining, trying, rewarding and all-consuming experience in my life to date.  I am 100% happy with our decision to bring a child into this world.  I have never been more blown away on a daily basis as I am in my role as a parent.  I find myself appreciating my parents and their unfailing love for me in an entirely new regard.  I am amazed that while my daughter can test every single ounce of patience I can muster, I still put her to bed wanting more.  While I grumble and moan when she wakes up unfathomably early after a twelve hour shift ending at four in the morning, her excited chatter and morning cuddles make it all worth it (those late morning temper tantrums are a different story).  

Briony amazes me everyday.  She is turning into such a little person and has an abundance of personality.  She is incredibly curious about people.  She stares inquisitively at everyone.  She runs quickly and madly at any children in the stores when we are out and about.  She loves to mimic house tasks.  Lately, she insists on having a spoon for her imaginary morning coffee with me, she drags the broom along the floor when I am finished sweeping and she pulls out all the tupperware while I cook.  She also insists on having the leash in hand and chasing Sadie around yelling commands.  Kids have a way of making your everyday chores look quite humorous.  

I literally had to laugh out loud the other day at the park as she refused to be redirected in her pursuit of some lady on a park bench.  You see I prayed for a strong, independent child, and God didn't mess around.  When B-bop decides she wants to head off adventuring somewhere, the only choice I have is to follow.  I have a feeling we will be heading out on many adventures together.  When she decides its time for bedtime there is no stopping her...just ask grandma.  When food or milk are on the brain she is at the refrigerator squawking.  I am telling you, that this is a girl who knows what she wants, and she isn't afraid to say it.  

As Briony continues to grow, I have found myself also changing.  I have learned to be a little easier on myself, and trying to just let the days happen as they do.  I am finding that even my best agendas are worthless if Briony has other plans.  I have to remind myself daily that even if I read 100 baby books that day, I won't get to do this forever.  Dust, dishes and laundry will exist far beyond the days when my daughter is sitting in my lap, or coming up to give me kisses.  The past year has been such a testament to how quickly these kids grow.  I won't get to have any of the past year back ever again.  

I have also gotten better about letting things go.  I have always been a grudge-holder.  I am not proud of it, but it has always been a part of my makeup.  As a parent of a toddler it is hard to hold a grudge.  Briony doesn't get it, so its lost on her and there are no redeeming qualities for me or my parenting if I continue to hold one.  Some days I get so frustrated with how little it seems I can get done.  I feel like I spend my days taking one step forward and two, sometimes three steps backwards.  Bedtime can't come soon enough on those days, and yet more often than not I put Briony to bed and all I can do is look forward to the morning.  I find myself sitting down and thinking about the little hugs I got, our dance party or watching her try something for the first time and all is forgotten.  That's when it takes everything I've got to not go into her room, pull her from her crib and hold her.  

I realize that while my role as a parent is to love and provide for my child.  I am here to foster her growth and provide her with tools to be a part of our world community, but she's also helping me grow.  I think one of the reasons I love her more than anything I've ever loved in this world, is because she teaches me something nearly everyday.  Sometimes its the confidence boosting realization that I made a save that kept her from ending up in the hospital, other days it's reminding me that our environment is only out to harm my kid (or at least that she can manipulate it to be so).  Other days she insists on getting out of the house and going for a run or walk or infant led parade around the lake, which can challenge my lazy self.  Many days (especially after my long work weekends) Briony pushes me on even if I don't think I have the strength to finish out the day, and I do because its the only thing I can do.  

Briony is helping to hone my skills in humility when I realize I can't do it all.  She is teaching me I am stronger than I knew, when she pushes me further than I thought I could go.  She is encourages me to be selfless, but still self-loving.  I mean, who doesn't get a self-esteem boost when their child charges at them completely unprovoked and plants a big wet kiss on their mouth?!  She also reminds that joy can be found in the little things...like today's laughing fit that stemmed from simply opening and closing the front door!  All I can say is that my role as Briony's mom is completely addictive, I am hooked!

Catching Up

I don't have a clear plan for this blog post.  I've sat down many times in the past couple of months to blog, but just can't seem to get anything going.  It certainly hasn't been for lack of material.  I haven't blogged since Thanksgiving, that has left countless of holidays, birthday celebrations, winter blues and spring celebrations that have been left undocumented.  We even had our first official family get away to Northern MN in the middle of a snow storm...ah well.  Today is the day I kick my blogging back into gear.

I've missed this space.  I have to admit that I ventured into the world of blogging unsure of what it would entail.  I don't really have a lot of valuable information to share.  I am not creative or crafty.  My life isn't that grand or exciting.  As of late the adventures have been few.  However, in the past few months I've realized I need this place.  I could journal, as that is mostly what this blog is about, but there is more accountability here.  I find that here I tend to think a little more universally, than when I journal.  It helps make me feel less isolated and more connected.

Life is pretty crazy for most people and opportunities to sit down with a good friend are few and far between.  I don't really have a lot of heart to hearts these days, and I miss that.  I have a lot of very supportive people in my life, but I feel it has been a long time since anyone has asked how things are going and have truly had the time or been interested in the answer.

Overall, things are going so well.  Briony is so much a part of our family now, I can hardly imagine a time without her.  I am loving the joy that she brings to our daily life.  I don't know that there has been a day yet when I haven't been thankful for her presence in our lives.  She is becoming a master imitator, and is quite interactive.  She is absolutely soaking up everything around her.  She is cautious in new situations, but learns quite effortlessly.  It amazes me how one minute she isn't doing something and then the next minute she is.  I continue to see attributes of Nick and I, and can't help but wonder how they will all play out as she grows.  She undeniably has Nick's looks.  She loves the outdoors.  She is wildly independent.  She wants someone close by at all times, but really needs alone time, too.  She has learned to name the two most important things in her life...Sadie and Zeke.  Her official first word is "hi" which she uses whenever she sees us or Sadie.  She can sign for "more," "milk," "eat," and "all done."  She is CONSTANTLY on the move.  This girl does not sit still.  She will now raise her arms in the air if you ask her "How big is Briony."  She was able to correctly identify her nose the other day.  She has attempted on multiple occasions to bathe her stuffed animals and books by throwing them in the tub and reaching for the faucet.  She is a great eater, but is certainly choosy about which foods she wants at specific times.   She is also very impatient.  Briony sleeps 12-14 hours at night and takes one nap during the day.  My biggest struggle with her is keeping her entertained.  She has such a short attention span that even when I make attempts at planned activities they only hold her interest for a few minutes.

I went through some rough, low confidence months at work during December and January.  This is my third nursing job now and I am definitely seeing a trend.  It always takes me a solid year to get even remotely comfortable in what I am doing, and I often struggle around the six month mark.  I am slowly rebuilding confidence in myself, and my skills.  I am so thankful for the varied opportunities I've had in the hospital setting, it really is amazing how different every area has been.  I have been so fortunate as I am now 3/3 in having an excellent group of co-workers to work with.

My biggest struggle continues to be finding a balance between my work, home and social life.  I've been working very hard on a paradigm shift, and it seems to be helping.  I am finding I have more confidance in my parenting skills, and general Briony awareness.  I am more comfortable working on household chores and have even cooked a few meals again.  I am exercising a little more which my body desperately needed, and coincidentally so did my emotions.  I am almost to the point where I am actually craving to get out running if I miss a few days...

My biggest void is friendships.  Working weekends and straight evenings, means I am often not available when most people are.  Nick is almost never available, meaning we miss out on a lot of "couple opportunities."  In general, making and keeping friends is not a strength of mine, so finding and seeking out connections has been a little tough. My schedule is also sporadic enough that routine and scheduled meetings, like ECFE, gets a little tricky.  I am also very BAD at signing myself up for commitments like that.  I usually enjoy them in the end, but getting myself to follow through is not a strength of mine.

Thanks so much for catching up with me today.  I know there was a lot of over-share today, but I am hoping that this can help me jump back into the blogging world.