In Memory

I learned Monday of the death of an old friend.  It seems odd to say "old friend" because the truth is she wasn't old at all.  She was young, my age.  Until recently it had been years since we had talked, but there was a time in our lives when we were inseparable.

We met in middle school, and hit it off immediately.  I don't believe anyone could dislike Jess, she was genuine and real.  During a time in life when so many people try to experiment with who they are, it was refreshing to have a friend who was true to herself and allowed me to be as well.

Jessica was a distance swimmer on the swim team in middle school, and her twin sister and I dove together on the diving team for a while.  I still remember her excitement whenever she achieved new personal records for herself.  She was driven and motivated.  We celebrated birthdays together and I was even invited on a few family excursions to Superior Shores.  We were confirmed together, and were in the same small groups together for confirmation.  We wrote multiple notes back and forth together (remember this was before texting and cell phones).  We sang in choir together.  She went with me to camp one summer.  She was a month younger than me, but still got her drivers license before me since I had to take mine three times to pass.

She even convinced me to join her in her acting endeavors with Stepping Stone Theater.  The play the year I participated was "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat."  It was no secret that I couldn't act, but it was a pleasure watching as Jess soaked up the experience.  I wasn't surprised at all to hear she had found a niche in acting at UW-Green Bay.

Jessica had a smile that lit up the room.  I will always be thankful for the times I was blessed enough to share with her.  Our friendship has been something I've cherished and will continue to cherish for the rest of my life.

Towards the end of high school Jessica faced some very hard challenges, and our friendship changed.  I never really gave up and even when her birthday came around last week I found myself wondering, like I do every November 21st, if there would ever be a time where we could meet up again and catch up.

Unfortunately, I won't get that chance.

Instead, I find myself comforted in the knowledge that Jessica has been surrounded by a large community of people that have cared for her in the years since we last spoke.  I know that while her hardships have been plentiful, and surely painful, she was well loved and well respected.  I feel confidant that her compassionate heart and beautiful smile have touched many lives.

Life is precious.  Life can be tremendously hard.  Life can also be too short.  Please don't hesitate to recognize the people in your life that keep you going.

Catching Up

I feel as though it has been ages since I blogged last.  As of late, I have been having a hard time figuring out how to process life as I know it right now.  Most days I find that I just want to hit "pause" and enjoy every second in slow motion.

Briony is changing leaps and bounds every day.  I swear that most evenings I put her to bed and she isn't the same girl I was greeted by in the morning.  She literally went from hating being on her tummy to crawling in the course of a day.  Now I feel like if I blink I'll miss her next move.  I can hardly believe this is the same sedentary baby that occupied our house for 7 months.  Today, she was doing tornado spins in our laps at church.

She adds new sounds everyday.  Her cooing is sounding more and more conversational.  I am eager to hear some of the thoughts going through that amazing brain of hers.  I often linger when she first wakes up in the morning or after naps.  Her favorite audience is her monkey blanket that occupies her crib.  I do believe that we have a daughter who is very attached to her lovie.  I can only begin to imagine that wild stories she tells as she tries to interpret the events of her day.

Most astounding of all has been her exploration into her independence.  When she started crawling I couldn't help but notice how close a radius she would keep to where I was.  I not-so-secretly soaked up the times when she would take a few movements away from me, turn around, with a smile so big I thought her lips would fall off, and charge right back into my arms.  The past few days I have watched with pride as she has taken longer and longer trips away from me.  She will now travel through the living room and kitchen to the door leading outside and play independently with her dad's shoes.  I admittedly teared up the first time she took the bottle out of my hands and proceeded to feed herself.

She chases after our dog Sadie, under Sadie and around Sadie.  Most recently she has taken to snuggling in next to me and playing along as I take her hand and gently pet Sadie.  We have a skittish dog who isn't fond of human touch aside from Nick and I, so getting her accustomed to Briony is a bit of a process.  She loves to hold Sadie's raw hide as Sadie chews.  Sadie loves to hang out under Briony's high chair while she is eating.  Briony loves to offer Sadie food from her drool drenched hand to help supplement Sadie's diet, can't say it has made dog training very easy.

When we start music she undoubtedly begins to sway back and forth, that girl LOVES music!  She loves dancing around the living room or jumping around in our arms while we're on walks.  Don't tell her that I can't dance, I suppose she'll figure that out soon enough.  Most of all she is a complete attention hog.  Briony has the whole first child thing DOWN.  She knows when we are focusing on her, and she is even more aware when we are distracted.

I have to admit that we have become more acutely aware of rewarding her independent play because she was quickly figuring out that fussing got our immediate attention.  I truly believe that it is easy to underestimate the intelligence of these young ones.  I am realizing that we will soon be entering a new world of parenting.  The first several months we were mostly obsessed with providing for our child.  We spent 24 hours a day worrying about whether or not she was adequately rested and fed.  We would analyze and count the number of dirty diapers to make sure that everything was normal.  Now she is hitting a new stage where she is learning more about her behavior and how it affects things around her.  I noticed at dinner tonight that when Nick was feeding her she started to lift her arms and disrupt the spoon just as it reached her mouth.  The first couple of times we laughed thinking it was an accident, then we noticed the hint of a smile.  We quickly forced ourselves to ignore the behavior and marveled at how quickly she caught unto the effects of her behavior.  The past few days, I have even started to see hints of temper tantrums from my opinionated and stubborn little girl.

As we enter the start of the holiday season I marvel at how much has changed in our lives this past year. I can hardly believe that we had yet to meet our daughter last year at this time.  I couldn't help but feel that something was missing in the holiday celebrations last year and I knew it was our newest family member.  I can hardly wait to introduce her to Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I am eager for her to see snow, watch the twinkling Christmas lights and hear Christmas carols.

Last year I spent the month of November blogging about all the things I was thankful for and I had intended on continuing that tradition this year as well.  Obviously, I have failed miserably, but by no means does it mean I am thankless.  Every night when I get to tuck Briony in I whisper the things I was most thankful to have experienced with her that day.  I love the opportunity to reflect on the special times we got to spend together and I can hardly wait to hear what she selects when she gets older and can participate.  I hope that it can become part of our nightly routine.

I know that it may seem obvious, but I can not believe what a blessing it has been to me this year to become a parent.  I have never worked harder at anything in my life.  In February, though, I was given the most amazing gift and I would have to celebrate Thanksgiving an infinite number of times to even begin to celebrate my gratitude.  Briony brings joy on even the hardest, most crabby and exhausting of days.  Each day she amazes me with yet another new reason to love her and just when I think my heart can't take any more it grows to accommodate.  I am absolutely in no short supply of reasons to be thankful this year.