Conflicted

Sometimes I wish there wasn't so much gray area in the whole life choices department.

When we found out we were pregnant, a little over a year ago, I didn't really know what to think about my role as a stay at home mom vs. a working mom.  I use those terms for lack of anything better because stay at home moms certainly are working moms!  In an attempt to figure out the right decision for us, Nick and I have spent a great deal of time discussing our financial situation, our family priorities and my professional goals.  I have to admit that Nick's opportunity to be the stay at home parent over the past few weeks certainly has added to the quality of our discussions.  I guess I had hoped that when the time came the decision would be easier, or at least more clear.

I've been back to work for a month now, part time, and I can honestly say the decision is still unclear.  Since Nick didn't start his Residency Program until this week, I've had the peace of mind at work knowing that Briony has been at home with him.  It made going back to work SO much easier.  I have realized when I am home it is easy to talk a big game and say that I don't really want a professional career, but when I am at work I am reminded that I take a ton of pride in what I do and I have chosen a rewarding and challenging career.  I am by no means a super nurse, but I do think I am pretty good at what I do and generally add something to the units I work on.  I enjoy the challenges and I look forward to new opportunities; hence the reason I am starting a new job next week.  I also enjoy my peers and the opportunity for some adult interaction.  While in my career I still don't escape the diaper changes, it is nice to have a little break from baby babble and singing nursery rhymes.

On the other hand, when I am at home and I see how much easier it is to maintain a schedule that suits Briony's needs, I can't help but think she'd benefit tremendously from a stay at home parent.  Our family and home probably would, too.  While a lot of parenting is instinctual, it isn't just 100% natural.  I have been surprised at how much personality a baby can have.  A huge part of parenting is seeing your child as a person.  You can read all the parenting books you want, but to be a good parent you also have to know your child.

Briony may be four months old, but I can tell you that we get glimpses of her personality every day.  For example, she is opinionated and wildly dramatic.  Briony can switch from "okay, this is good," to "mom, how could you be so stupid" within a matter of seconds.  She is an observer, never wanting to miss a thing.  She knows her parents and smiles at us often, but with strangers she is quite serious.  I am realizing she is an independent learner.  Tummy time goes much more smoothly when I leave her alone.  She loves to cuddle when the time is right, but when she is ready for bed that is the only place she wants to be.  She is definitely her own person and we see more of that shining through everyday.  When I am home with her, I feel like things just click.

It isn't that I don't think a daycare would meet her needs, because I think that when they are in the business of children they probably would do more with her in a day than I do.  She would also get an awesome opportunity for peer interaction; certainly there isn't anything wrong with learning to work with others.  I just feel that when I am not at home with her, I start to feel out of touch.  When I work a couple twelve hour shifts I feel like she and I need to get back in the groove again.  It is hard to switch between my parental self and my professional self.

I suppose this is a part of life.  We all have various roles we play as mothers, daughters, spouses, co-workers and friends and somehow we have to find a balance between these roles in our lives and make them work.  It's just hard because I want to be 100% there for everyone.

Before I start whining, I should shift focus and point out that I am extremely blessed to be in this situation.  Like so many other times over the past year I am struck with how fortunate Nick and I have been.  First off, I get to be a mom to the most beautiful daughter I could imagine.  This is by far the most rewarding and challenging role I've ever had and I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I also have a husband who is entirely supportive of what I do and the best team mate I've ever known.

As a nurse, I am part of an amazing field of work.  The opportunity I have on a daily basis to influence people's lives, the work flexibility and the opportunity to shift my career focus before I get burned out is awesome.  There is absolutely no excuse to get bored.  I am also thankful that in such a fragile economy we have the option to be a two income family.  To be in a situation where we can choose what we want to do is certainly enviable.  Nick and I have yet to deal with the struggles of unemployment, and I am thankful for each day we can avoid that.

Finally and probably most importantly, we have a tremendously supportive family living close to us.  As intriguing as it was to think of moving to Colorado or Boston for residency, I can't be more thankful that we can be close to our support network over the next three years.  I always understood in theory the concept that it takes a village to raise a child, but now I am a firm believer.  We have also had plenty of family and friends offering to help us out this summer while we figure things out.  I can say that I can't thank everyone enough for being flexible and understanding.

With that said, I find myself yet again in that fabulous world of slowing down and taking everything one day at a time.  I think often about the verse in Matthew where it is written, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."  With all of life's uncertainties it is just too easy to slip into a pattern of anxiety and "what ifs."  I can really work myself into a tailspin if I let life get too far ahead of me.  I keep telling myself that eventually we'll find what works best for our family.  Nick and I have certainly worked through these kinds of changes before.  I guess it is kind of ironic that it takes change to remind me that if there is anything in life to count on it is that change is a constant.  I just need to be patient and trusting that it will work out.  Life is an amusement park, I better enjoy the ride!
   

Grandpa Elwood

I believe my first question when I interviewed my grandpa for a sixth grade project about World War II veterans was, "how do I spell your name?"  It seems funny to think about now, but apparently after twelve years I still hadn't figured out whether Elwood was spelled with one or two l's.  I learned a lot about my grandpa during the interview.

I remember taking it very seriously.  Grandpa had actually agreed to visit me at school, and we conducted the interview in the principal's office (a familiar place for him after 30 years in the St. Paul School District).  Grandpa showed up in a suit and proceeded to share his experiences as a medic in the war.  I had more than enough material to write my paper.  Our class ended up putting together a little book with the compilation of all our interviews.  I shared the book with my mom and aunt after it was finished.  I was surprised to learn that Grandpa really hadn't shared many of those stories, and my mom and aunt learned many new things about their dad through that project.

Grandpa actually went on to write a compilation of memories he had from growing up and he gave them to the family several years ago.  He shared stories from his childhood, through the army and during his years as a husband, father and educator.  I feel certain these stories will continue to be read and shared for generations to come.  They were certainly appreciated by the many visitors at his funeral today.

This past week has been one of reflection.  We have shared many memories, and shed tears of joy and sorrow.  As a family, we have reflected often on the remarkable man I came to know as my grandpa.  This week I have had the distinct privilege to meet many different people whose lives have also been touched by Elwood Lundeen.  While many incredible things were said about him, I think one of the most common threads was that we all knew the same man.  He gave himself equally to everyone he met.

The hospice aid that cared for him last week remarked about the Thursday she had with him before he died.  It was apparently a very good day for Grandpa.  He was clear of mind and full of energy.  She said that if there were any family secrets to be told she had heard them.  He had apparently shared countless of stories with her.  Grandpa used these stories to connect with everyone he met.  While he had a special spot in his heart for his family, I think that anyone who knew him felt in some way that they were themselves family.

Grandpa had an uncanny ability of bringing out the best in people.  I marveled this week when I thought about the differences in each of us grandchildren.  He had five.  Near as I can tell he bragged about us relentlessly.  We are all incredibly different, and each had unique relationships with Grandpa.  While he held high expectations of us, I don't believe that any of us ever felt that we were letting him down and he always fully supported our individual endeavors.  Never once did I feel like he wanted me to be more or less of what I was.  My cousin commented on it yesterday as well.  She remarked on Grandpa's acceptance of us, and his understanding of our unique gifts. 

In the service today, the pastor reminded us that in death we often have a tendency to make people into superhero's, and my humble grandfather would be the first to admit that he was only human.  Indeed, many wonderful stories of grandpa's human-ness were shared today.  However, I think through the eyes of a granddaughter, my grandfather has always been a superhero of mine and today I couldn't be more thankful for the 27+ years that I spent as one of his granddaughters.  Somebody told me today that grandpa used to tell them that I was a keeper.  Well, grandpa you're a keeper, too!