Today I had a temper tantrum. I am 27 years old now and am learning that these aren't really an acceptable display of emotion anymore, so I kept it silent. I held in the complaining and whining. The angry words and tears were heard only in the deep recesses of my cerebrum. I only imagined slamming all the doors as I walked through them, rather than actually doing it. I kept the fist pounding and floor kicking within the bounds of clenched fists inside my mittens and a fast paced power walk as we went around the lake.
It was a weak point. I made up my mind several months ago that I could either complain about all the emotions and experiences of pregnancy or I could just be excited and show people the pregnancy glow they want to see. It has been a pretty easy resolution to make as I haven't really had a whole lot to complain about. This baby has treated me well, but sometimes it's all I can do to not just yell and scream and wish that it was over.
I told Nick today that I am on a roller coaster of emotions, and vacillate quickly between optimism and pessimism. One minute I am convinced that this baby will never arrive, and I will become the first documented case of a woman being pregnant forever. Then I come around and remind myself that eventually the baby, my body or medicine will prevail and this baby will erupt into our lives and change it forever. I remind myself that overall I am really still doing very well. I am not bed ridden. I've been able to maintain my current work schedule without too much difficulty. I can still exercise and enjoy time with my husband without the cries of a newborn's needs in the background. I then resolve myself to just sitting tight and holding out. Patience is a virtue, and really I want all to go as naturally as possible. Eventually, the ride starts all over again.
Usually, if there is something that I want really badly, but can't have I just try not to think about it. I distract myself with something else for the time being. However, it is hard not to perseverate on the baby these days. Our house is full of baby gear ready to be used. I can't bend, sit, stand or eat without being reminded that I am a living cocoon. Nearly every task that I perform reminds me that I am not housing just myself but another person as well. Along with this, everyone feels entitled to tell me how I must be feeling or what I can or can not do. My ever growing abdomen is impossible for anyone to ignore. I am constantly reminded of baby's impending birthday. People look at me and immediately the conversation that ensues goes something like this:
"Ohhh, you're pregnant! That is so exciting! When is the baby due?"
"Well, any day now. I am due the 18th of this month."
"Oh, wow. Well, that could be anytime. I bet you are so excited. It is going to be __________."
"Yep, we are very excited and eager to meet this little one."
"Oh, I bet you are. Having children is _______________."
"Well, we're looking forward to it and I guess we'll find out soon."
I then usually try to duck out of the conversation shortly thereafter. Don't get me wrong, I am excited about this child and I don't mind discussing how momentous the event is. I am just at the point where thinking about it is old news and I am ready to experience it. I've been told many times how great/challenging/amazing/exciting it is. I am ready to know this first hand. I understand the need to be patient because I know that I will find out soon enough, as there literally is no room left for this little on in my body anymore. Coupling my own impatience, however, with the relative impatience of everyone else makes maintaining a positive attitude quite difficult sometimes.
I feel helpless. I know that many people, including Nick and I, are anxious to meet this growing person that we've been talking about for seven months now and I've been carrying for ten, but I can't make anything happen any faster than it already is. Nature has to take its course. Sure there are old wives tales about things you can do to speed the process along, and by all means I am trying what I can. However, the fact of the matter is there is very little evidence that anything really works. Waiting is just the name of the game. The end is in sight, it just isn't here yet.
So today I threw a temper tantrum. I was fed up. I wanted nothing less from today than to put an end to all the anticipation, bring on the labor pains and deliver a baby. I even worked out twice. The first was a baby jostling workout that included squats, jumping jacks and lunges. I then moved on to a three mile power walk around the lake. There are several points along the path that allow us to cut the walk short and at each one I believe I uttered to Nick, "my water hasn't broken yet, let's keep walking." Nick and Sadie walked patiently at my side like absolute saints, allowing me to blow off steam. Neither said a word about my obvious frustrations, and let me ride out my internal temper tantrum.
I don't know how I got so blessed with a patient husband who understands that sometimes walking in quiet solidarity is worth more than a thousand words of encouragement and advice. Tonight, we had a tasty dinner orchestrated by Nick. We spoke nothing of baby, or our afternoon walk. I had a time to distract myself, step back and remember that in time everything will come together.
I made sure to appreciate the time we had and that it wasn't at any point interrupted by a screaming hungry newborn, or a diaper change. We were able to clean up and then quietly reside to the living room to cuddle up with our worn out pooch. Tonight, I am enjoying that my schedule is my own. Nobody is dictating what I need to do and I can relax with my own thoughts. These nights will certainly be missed in the months ahead. As excited as I am about the entrance of children into our lives, I am determined to enjoy the last few days/weeks of the two of us. I am relieved to find myself once again at the top of the pregnancy roller coaster ride, optimistic and content.
It was a weak point. I made up my mind several months ago that I could either complain about all the emotions and experiences of pregnancy or I could just be excited and show people the pregnancy glow they want to see. It has been a pretty easy resolution to make as I haven't really had a whole lot to complain about. This baby has treated me well, but sometimes it's all I can do to not just yell and scream and wish that it was over.
I told Nick today that I am on a roller coaster of emotions, and vacillate quickly between optimism and pessimism. One minute I am convinced that this baby will never arrive, and I will become the first documented case of a woman being pregnant forever. Then I come around and remind myself that eventually the baby, my body or medicine will prevail and this baby will erupt into our lives and change it forever. I remind myself that overall I am really still doing very well. I am not bed ridden. I've been able to maintain my current work schedule without too much difficulty. I can still exercise and enjoy time with my husband without the cries of a newborn's needs in the background. I then resolve myself to just sitting tight and holding out. Patience is a virtue, and really I want all to go as naturally as possible. Eventually, the ride starts all over again.
Usually, if there is something that I want really badly, but can't have I just try not to think about it. I distract myself with something else for the time being. However, it is hard not to perseverate on the baby these days. Our house is full of baby gear ready to be used. I can't bend, sit, stand or eat without being reminded that I am a living cocoon. Nearly every task that I perform reminds me that I am not housing just myself but another person as well. Along with this, everyone feels entitled to tell me how I must be feeling or what I can or can not do. My ever growing abdomen is impossible for anyone to ignore. I am constantly reminded of baby's impending birthday. People look at me and immediately the conversation that ensues goes something like this:
"Ohhh, you're pregnant! That is so exciting! When is the baby due?"
"Well, any day now. I am due the 18th of this month."
"Oh, wow. Well, that could be anytime. I bet you are so excited. It is going to be __________."
"Yep, we are very excited and eager to meet this little one."
"Oh, I bet you are. Having children is _______________."
"Well, we're looking forward to it and I guess we'll find out soon."
I then usually try to duck out of the conversation shortly thereafter. Don't get me wrong, I am excited about this child and I don't mind discussing how momentous the event is. I am just at the point where thinking about it is old news and I am ready to experience it. I've been told many times how great/challenging/amazing/exciting it is. I am ready to know this first hand. I understand the need to be patient because I know that I will find out soon enough, as there literally is no room left for this little on in my body anymore. Coupling my own impatience, however, with the relative impatience of everyone else makes maintaining a positive attitude quite difficult sometimes.
I feel helpless. I know that many people, including Nick and I, are anxious to meet this growing person that we've been talking about for seven months now and I've been carrying for ten, but I can't make anything happen any faster than it already is. Nature has to take its course. Sure there are old wives tales about things you can do to speed the process along, and by all means I am trying what I can. However, the fact of the matter is there is very little evidence that anything really works. Waiting is just the name of the game. The end is in sight, it just isn't here yet.
So today I threw a temper tantrum. I was fed up. I wanted nothing less from today than to put an end to all the anticipation, bring on the labor pains and deliver a baby. I even worked out twice. The first was a baby jostling workout that included squats, jumping jacks and lunges. I then moved on to a three mile power walk around the lake. There are several points along the path that allow us to cut the walk short and at each one I believe I uttered to Nick, "my water hasn't broken yet, let's keep walking." Nick and Sadie walked patiently at my side like absolute saints, allowing me to blow off steam. Neither said a word about my obvious frustrations, and let me ride out my internal temper tantrum.
I don't know how I got so blessed with a patient husband who understands that sometimes walking in quiet solidarity is worth more than a thousand words of encouragement and advice. Tonight, we had a tasty dinner orchestrated by Nick. We spoke nothing of baby, or our afternoon walk. I had a time to distract myself, step back and remember that in time everything will come together.
I made sure to appreciate the time we had and that it wasn't at any point interrupted by a screaming hungry newborn, or a diaper change. We were able to clean up and then quietly reside to the living room to cuddle up with our worn out pooch. Tonight, I am enjoying that my schedule is my own. Nobody is dictating what I need to do and I can relax with my own thoughts. These nights will certainly be missed in the months ahead. As excited as I am about the entrance of children into our lives, I am determined to enjoy the last few days/weeks of the two of us. I am relieved to find myself once again at the top of the pregnancy roller coaster ride, optimistic and content.
