In Memory

I learned Monday of the death of an old friend.  It seems odd to say "old friend" because the truth is she wasn't old at all.  She was young, my age.  Until recently it had been years since we had talked, but there was a time in our lives when we were inseparable.

We met in middle school, and hit it off immediately.  I don't believe anyone could dislike Jess, she was genuine and real.  During a time in life when so many people try to experiment with who they are, it was refreshing to have a friend who was true to herself and allowed me to be as well.

Jessica was a distance swimmer on the swim team in middle school, and her twin sister and I dove together on the diving team for a while.  I still remember her excitement whenever she achieved new personal records for herself.  She was driven and motivated.  We celebrated birthdays together and I was even invited on a few family excursions to Superior Shores.  We were confirmed together, and were in the same small groups together for confirmation.  We wrote multiple notes back and forth together (remember this was before texting and cell phones).  We sang in choir together.  She went with me to camp one summer.  She was a month younger than me, but still got her drivers license before me since I had to take mine three times to pass.

She even convinced me to join her in her acting endeavors with Stepping Stone Theater.  The play the year I participated was "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat."  It was no secret that I couldn't act, but it was a pleasure watching as Jess soaked up the experience.  I wasn't surprised at all to hear she had found a niche in acting at UW-Green Bay.

Jessica had a smile that lit up the room.  I will always be thankful for the times I was blessed enough to share with her.  Our friendship has been something I've cherished and will continue to cherish for the rest of my life.

Towards the end of high school Jessica faced some very hard challenges, and our friendship changed.  I never really gave up and even when her birthday came around last week I found myself wondering, like I do every November 21st, if there would ever be a time where we could meet up again and catch up.

Unfortunately, I won't get that chance.

Instead, I find myself comforted in the knowledge that Jessica has been surrounded by a large community of people that have cared for her in the years since we last spoke.  I know that while her hardships have been plentiful, and surely painful, she was well loved and well respected.  I feel confidant that her compassionate heart and beautiful smile have touched many lives.

Life is precious.  Life can be tremendously hard.  Life can also be too short.  Please don't hesitate to recognize the people in your life that keep you going.

Catching Up

I feel as though it has been ages since I blogged last.  As of late, I have been having a hard time figuring out how to process life as I know it right now.  Most days I find that I just want to hit "pause" and enjoy every second in slow motion.

Briony is changing leaps and bounds every day.  I swear that most evenings I put her to bed and she isn't the same girl I was greeted by in the morning.  She literally went from hating being on her tummy to crawling in the course of a day.  Now I feel like if I blink I'll miss her next move.  I can hardly believe this is the same sedentary baby that occupied our house for 7 months.  Today, she was doing tornado spins in our laps at church.

She adds new sounds everyday.  Her cooing is sounding more and more conversational.  I am eager to hear some of the thoughts going through that amazing brain of hers.  I often linger when she first wakes up in the morning or after naps.  Her favorite audience is her monkey blanket that occupies her crib.  I do believe that we have a daughter who is very attached to her lovie.  I can only begin to imagine that wild stories she tells as she tries to interpret the events of her day.

Most astounding of all has been her exploration into her independence.  When she started crawling I couldn't help but notice how close a radius she would keep to where I was.  I not-so-secretly soaked up the times when she would take a few movements away from me, turn around, with a smile so big I thought her lips would fall off, and charge right back into my arms.  The past few days I have watched with pride as she has taken longer and longer trips away from me.  She will now travel through the living room and kitchen to the door leading outside and play independently with her dad's shoes.  I admittedly teared up the first time she took the bottle out of my hands and proceeded to feed herself.

She chases after our dog Sadie, under Sadie and around Sadie.  Most recently she has taken to snuggling in next to me and playing along as I take her hand and gently pet Sadie.  We have a skittish dog who isn't fond of human touch aside from Nick and I, so getting her accustomed to Briony is a bit of a process.  She loves to hold Sadie's raw hide as Sadie chews.  Sadie loves to hang out under Briony's high chair while she is eating.  Briony loves to offer Sadie food from her drool drenched hand to help supplement Sadie's diet, can't say it has made dog training very easy.

When we start music she undoubtedly begins to sway back and forth, that girl LOVES music!  She loves dancing around the living room or jumping around in our arms while we're on walks.  Don't tell her that I can't dance, I suppose she'll figure that out soon enough.  Most of all she is a complete attention hog.  Briony has the whole first child thing DOWN.  She knows when we are focusing on her, and she is even more aware when we are distracted.

I have to admit that we have become more acutely aware of rewarding her independent play because she was quickly figuring out that fussing got our immediate attention.  I truly believe that it is easy to underestimate the intelligence of these young ones.  I am realizing that we will soon be entering a new world of parenting.  The first several months we were mostly obsessed with providing for our child.  We spent 24 hours a day worrying about whether or not she was adequately rested and fed.  We would analyze and count the number of dirty diapers to make sure that everything was normal.  Now she is hitting a new stage where she is learning more about her behavior and how it affects things around her.  I noticed at dinner tonight that when Nick was feeding her she started to lift her arms and disrupt the spoon just as it reached her mouth.  The first couple of times we laughed thinking it was an accident, then we noticed the hint of a smile.  We quickly forced ourselves to ignore the behavior and marveled at how quickly she caught unto the effects of her behavior.  The past few days, I have even started to see hints of temper tantrums from my opinionated and stubborn little girl.

As we enter the start of the holiday season I marvel at how much has changed in our lives this past year. I can hardly believe that we had yet to meet our daughter last year at this time.  I couldn't help but feel that something was missing in the holiday celebrations last year and I knew it was our newest family member.  I can hardly wait to introduce her to Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I am eager for her to see snow, watch the twinkling Christmas lights and hear Christmas carols.

Last year I spent the month of November blogging about all the things I was thankful for and I had intended on continuing that tradition this year as well.  Obviously, I have failed miserably, but by no means does it mean I am thankless.  Every night when I get to tuck Briony in I whisper the things I was most thankful to have experienced with her that day.  I love the opportunity to reflect on the special times we got to spend together and I can hardly wait to hear what she selects when she gets older and can participate.  I hope that it can become part of our nightly routine.

I know that it may seem obvious, but I can not believe what a blessing it has been to me this year to become a parent.  I have never worked harder at anything in my life.  In February, though, I was given the most amazing gift and I would have to celebrate Thanksgiving an infinite number of times to even begin to celebrate my gratitude.  Briony brings joy on even the hardest, most crabby and exhausting of days.  Each day she amazes me with yet another new reason to love her and just when I think my heart can't take any more it grows to accommodate.  I am absolutely in no short supply of reasons to be thankful this year.

I need to move it, move it

I am not a perfect wife.  I am not a perfect mom.  I am not a perfect sister or daughter or in-law.  I am also not a perfect friend or employee.  I want to be.  I want to be exactly what my loved ones need.  I want to always have my best foot forward and a smile on my face.  I would love an always open heart and a listening ear that knows no time constraints.  

I also want to be fiscally responsible.  I want enough, not too much and not too little.  I want to cherish the little priceless things in life and not worry so much about things I can't change.  I want to dream realistically, so I don't get restless for things that aren't necessary or plausible.  I want to think for the future and not my immediate needs.

I realize that this all sounds whiny and perhaps superficial.  Seriously, no one is perfect; I hear that all the time.  I know it is true, but sometimes I wish it wasn't.  Mostly, I accept myself and my quirks and move on.

For example, a friend gently reminded me this week that I've lived nearly 28 years as a procrastinator why change now?  It hasn't been for lack of trying.  I do usually have a grand plan of how to get things done in a timely manner, but once the plan is made I figure that is half the battle.  Why execute it if I have a few days/weeks to go?  Yep, procrastination works for me.

Despite my better wisdom and understanding, I've been stuck in a paralyzed rut for a few weeks now.  I want so badly to be perfect.  I want to get the house cleaned while Briony naps, I want to have dinner on the table when Nick comes home.  I want to get out and walk the dog and then I also want to make sure that Briony and I have plenty of time to read and giggle and explore.  I want to work on house projects, organize, clean and somehow become a master renovator...in my spare time of course.  I would also like to read a few chapters of a juicy novel, after writing an insightful blog before I go to bed at night.  I want to pick up a few shifts at work, so that I can become more efficient and maybe so I can feel a little less guilty about hoping for a new pair of shoes or a sweater on my next excursion to the mall.

I have been so busy thinking about all the things I want to do and how different I'd like myself to be, that most days I've been going to bed wondering why I didn't just put one foot in front of the other.  I went to bed last night reminding myself for the umpteenth time that the older we get the more demands we have.  Unfortunately, the days don't get longer and time doesn't get more abundant.  There is always room for improvement, and just because I am not perfect doesn't mean that I can't try.  However, I do need to give myself some leeway.  I need to be patient and realize that things don't happen over night and that even the best laid plans need to be acted upon to be achieved.

Did I mention that Briony started crawling this past weekend?  I guess she's a good reminder that big changes can come from small forward progress; half the battle is learning how to move.  

Kjedelig

Perhaps one of my biggest fears about having a daughter is that she may be more like me than her father.  I believe there is a solid reason why I wasn't a twin...it truly would be hard to handle two of me.  Don't get me wrong, I feel pretty solid in who I am and have certainly figured out how to work with the quirky personality I have.  However, I was not an easy child.

I was not always kind.  I threw monster temper tantrums lasting hours.  I held bitter resentment when I had been wronged.  I was bossy and opinionated, and I still am.  I was also incredibly sensitive and couldn't always handle criticism of the constructive variety.  Significant for this blog, I was also ALWAYS bored.

Looking back now I realize that "bored" was a term I used loosely for pretty much every feeling of insecurity I had.  The epitome of my bored years were the last two years we lived in Madagascar.  I was attending a Norwegian school at the time and I think the first word that ever stuck was, "kjedelig" (this means bored in Norwegian).  I used it all the time and honestly, years later, my very creative and opposite of boring teacher is still scarred from my negative attitude.  (I apologize profusely for that, Henrick, if you ever read these blogs.)  I was learning and experiencing so many new things at the time, and I think the only way for my eleven year old self to cope was to check out under the guise of boredom.  

I feel confidant that if Briony had words she would have been telling me the past few days that her life is so kjedelig.  Not really in the "bored" way, but in the "I know something is happening and I am not sure how to handle it" way.  After a very fabulous and wonderful week last week, we had a rough and tumble weekend.  As easy as it seems to be a baby with their multiple naps, prepared meals and drinks all day long, clothes, baths and entertainment all planned out...their lives really are quite strenuous.

In the past seven months, Briony has more than doubled her weight, she has grown more than six inches.  She is in the process of learning a new language and trying to communicate her needs.  She has added solids to her repertoire of foods, and has four new teeth.  She has also learned how to sit, roll over, grasp and play with toys.  These are just the obvious milestones.

The past few days have brought increasing restlessness to my ever changing daughter.  I can tell that Briony wants to move.  She has taken a new interest in rolling and twisting her body.  She loves to crane her neck to look at things; its actually funny to watch because her movements are so exagerated.  She wiggles and shakes constantly.  Sitting no longer satisfies her, she wants to explore.  Unfortunately, she isn't quite there yet.  As mentioned before she has a strong aversion to her tummy, so convincing her of crawling is a tough sell.  Yesterday she reacquainted herself with standing and even took a few guided steps, but obviously doesn't have the strength or coordination to master walking just yet.

I don't really mind a stationary baby.  I have actually gotten quite proficient at accomplishing my to do list as of late.  However, she isn't happy being stationary anymore.  She is "bored" and wants to explore, only its a little hard to help her do that when she insists only on standing.  I anticipated changes with a moving child, but didn't anticipate the anguish that has accompanied her during this transition.  I suppose it doesn't help that she is coincidentally also moving into a new stage of fear and separation anxiety.  Loud noises are suddenly accompanied with a heartbreakingly adorable panicked look, and when Nick and I are not in view we are instantaneously notified of her discontent.

It is times like this when I wish that my daughter had acquired a little less of my personality.  I do learn things and I am capable of working through transitions, but usually I bring a few casualties with me.  I tend to feel as though people should know when I think something is rough.  Briony in her best nonverbal communication is sharing a similar sentiment.  Nick on the other hand is a quiet achiever.  He puts his head down, figures it out and then moves on successfully.  He also has patience, something I lack.  Perhaps I am projecting and Briony isn't as impatient or restless as I am imagining.  However, people who know me and my daughter keep telling me that I am dealing with a "little Molly," so I don't feel like I am making it up entirely.

At the very least, I know that with love and patience I have pulled through, and Briony is a very loved little girl.  Briony will figure that out, too.  I am pretty sure she'll never believe that I could possibly understand because no one ever understood me either when things were "kjedelig," but I do get it.  I have to admit that I have trained in a remarkable support network who are more than equipped to handle me, so Briony at least has an empathetic and supportive bunch to help her out.  I on the other hand am finding out that many of my supporters are enjoying that I am experiencing a bit of pay back...

Routine Schmoutine

I think some of the best advice I ever got when I was pregnant came from Nick's cousin.  The happy mother of a then five month old told me to never get used to a routine because about the time that I do, things would change again.  I haven't found anything to be more true.

Today, was nothing less than one of those days.  My sweet girl woke up very upset this morning.  She has developed this habit, quite inconvenient in her opinion, of rolling onto her stomach while she is sleeping.  Unfortunately, my daughter has not fully comprehended the freedom of her movements and remains quite reluctant to solve her own self-induced tummy time predicament.  

As I waited for her to realize she is capable of flipping herself over, I stopped to imagine reminding her of this when the drama of her teenage years begin to unfold.  I can just picture the scene.  My daughter will be in a tizzy because the bag that she feels is appropriate for camp is too small to carry all of her items for camp.  She will refuse to switch bags because she doesn't want to have "THE biggest bag" of anyone there.  She will also refuse to edit what she is bringing because all her items are "essential."  (Yes, this was in fact an argument I had with my parents on several occasions as a youngster).  I will then laugh and recall the story of how mad she would get when she was stuck on her tummy as an infant.  I probably won't stop there.  I will further ruin the moment by inserting my wisdom and explaining to her that often in life things that seem so large and important at the time, turn out to be quite mundane in hindsight.

Don't worry I am well aware that she won't find it humorous in the future either, but what is a mother if she doesn't say something wrong at least once in a daughter's life?  I suppose she'll be even more disgusted to find out I've been plotting since 6 months of age.  Because I've been there, I predict the stormy door slamming that will ensue...  I am sure that my own mother, also having anticipated this moment, will take the opportunity to remind me that I am only getting a taste of my own teenage fury.

After I'd spent a few moments chuckling at the site of my illegitimately frustrated daughter, I did finally rescue her.   Wiping the tears from her face, we then made our way to the kitchen.  I made up a bottle and sat down on the couch.  Briony proceeded to eat only about one third of what she normally does in the morning.  Curious and betting that my opinionated daughter probably had some take on how she wanted the morning to go, I mixed together some rice cereal and peaches.  She was so hungry she ate through her typical breakfast portion and even polished off the left over green beans from dinner.  Without belaboring the details of our day, it basically went very similarly to our morning.  For the most part, my daughter reminded me that being her mom requires a lot of adapting and modifying.  My child, with no words, has a voice and ever-growing opinions.

I can honestly say that in some ways I am a bit relieved.  First off, I want a daughter who knows what she wants.  There will certainly be trying times when we have to teach her when and when it is not appropriate to dictate her needs, but I am glad she knows she has them.

I've also never been good at a schedule.  I have never really understood how it is that parents can keep their kids on a regimented routine.  I am not a planner.  I am a procrastinator and I fly by the seat of my pants.  Schedules tie a person down.  I certainly see the benefit of one, but just can't get it to work for me.  Hence, and you can probably argue nature vs. nurture here, my daughter appears to be heading down a similar path.

I think the first blog I ever wrote touched on the fact that the only thing guaranteed in life is change.  There is absolutely no way to keep things the same as they always were or to never lose the moment we are in.  Briony reminds me of this everyday.  I swear no day is the same because she is changing so quickly.  In six months she has gone from a tiny seven pound three ounce newborn who did nothing more than eat, sleep and poop; to a cuddly, opinionated, growing baby.  Most days I feel like she changes before my very eyes.  The next six months and beyond are bound to be filled with more changes and more lessons for me, the budding momma.

Tonight, I am so thankful for my little girl.  I know that I don't and won't get everything right.  I know that my baby isn't perfect either.  I also know that time stopped today when my normally serious child spent at least five minutes giggling at her goofy mother.  Having set my cleaning aside; I soaked up that moment for all it was worth and just enjoyed her silliness.  Much like she forced me to do today, I hope Briony will someday learn to relish in the simple joys of discarding routine.  Maybe she'll also learn to not sweat the small stuff... 

Out of Sync

Today I have to gripe.  I had this book as a child called "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" (or something like that).  I often think about that book on days like today.  In fact, I have to admit that I've had a few days where I feel like that title has applied.

This week at work I've had the kind of shifts where I feel like at every turn I am being reminded how much I have to learn.  I couldn't work fast enough, I had to ask stupid questions and nothing went in my favor.  I had my third preceptor in a week.  While, I haven't had a bad one yet, it just takes a great deal of effort to explain what I can and can't do and then to figure out what they trust me to do independently and what they don't.  Nursing also requires a lot of teamwork and getting used to new communication styles amongst my co-workers is also part of the learning process and the learning curve was steep this week.  It didn't help that I simply started out my shift yesterday feeling completely defeated.  On top of all that I had stupid things happen.  For example, the last hour of my shift yesterday every single computer I touched froze up.  My preceptor finally had to get medications out for me because literally all the machines we use to dispense medications froze up trying to read my fingerprint.  It was just that kind of night.

Then today, my one day off for the weekend, Briony and I have been completely out of sync.  She has been trying to nap for as little as possible.  While I have to commend her desire to be awake and very much a part of my day, it just doesn't work.  She needs her naps, or we don't get anything done.  Once she gets tired, she gets bored.  When she is bored, she is fussy.  When she is fussy, there is little that can be done to satisfy her.  I just hate days like this because we spend the whole day chasing our tails and never getting anywhere.

On top of that I am trying to figure out some sort of reasonable child care option for Briony this fall.  If I was able to find a 9-5 job, daycare would be it.  Unfortunately, finding a daycare that is operational from 3pm to 3am is a bit on the tough side.  Currently, I am looking into the nanny option, but with a variable schedule its hard to find someone flexible enough to be on call and I'd really prefer not to have a different person every time I work.  Financially and with a great deal of strict budgeting (a skill I have never mastered), we could probably swing me being a stay at home mom.  And contrary to the above paragraph, I have enjoyed the recent job switch.  Ideally, I would love to figure out some sort of childcare exchange, unfortunately I just can't get my friends to pop out kids fast enough these days.

Urgh.  I just feel blah and I want something to be easy like it was last week.  Briony and I had so much fun last week.  I had some good shifts at work, where it felt like I might actually be able to tread water when I am off orientation.  I also saw my husband.  Did I mention that I haven't really seen him since Monday.  I suppose its possible he may have existed the last few nights under the lump of covers as I crawled into bed?  Next week he works nights, our schedules are completely opposite and I probably really won't see him.  Uff, complain much, Molly?

Days like today I just have to repeat to myself one of my favorite quotes, "Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes it is the small voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'"  I know it is still early to call the day a complete wash and maybe my little e-rant will allow me to pick myself up and move on.  If not, maybe I'll make the most of today's sulking and agree to try again tomorrow.

Corneal Abrasions Amongst Other Things

Briony woke up screaming around 630am yesterday.  Nick and I were perplexed as we walked in her bedroom to check on her.  Once we turned on the light, the source of our daughter's discomfort was obvious.  Briony's left eye was swollen and red.  You could tell it was hard to see out of it because when she opened her eyes she would look around trying to focus and then would have to shut them again.  She screamed and fussed and fussed and screamed.  

Unsure of whether or not it was a bug bite or allergic reaction, Briony and I headed to the pediatrician's office.  I felt so helpless.  She wanted so badly for me to fix it and she tried so hard to be brave.  There is nothing more pathetic than a five month old with a swollen eye, tears streaming down her face in obvious discomfort trying to give her mom a half smile.  As I wandered around the exam room trying to console my uncomfortable child, I couldn't help but reflect on my role as her mother.  At times being a parent is incredibly empowering and at other times I am rendered completely helpless.  

After dying her eye a fluorescent orange and evaluating it under a black light we discovered it was a corneal abrasion or scratch.  She got some eye drops, cried some more tears and ended up with a rather adorable eye patch.  After all was said and done she recovered quite quickly, and is nearly as good as new today.  In the grand scheme of things, I know this is but a scratch in the surface (pun completely intentional) of hardships and trials life could throw her way in the future.  Its hard to be faced with the reality that I just can't always protect her from everything.

In other news, Briony has been working hard on becoming an independent sitter.  She has virtually no interest in lying down anymore, she just wants to sit.  I am starting to feel as though she may take after her grandpa Tom, skip crawling all together and just scoot around on her butt until she learns to walk.  She is completely against any tummy time and has once again gone on a strike against rolling over.  I have one stubborn daughter when she wants to be!

Solid foods are going well.  Virtually every food we've tested so far has been a hit, with the exception of green beans.  They appear to be taking a very low spot on her otherwise growing list of favorite foods.  I believe it has helped us eliminate one night time feeding as we are consistently only getting up once a night these days.  I am also quite convinced that we have some sleepless nights ahead as she and I enter phase two of sleep training to hopefully get rid of this final feeding.  

We had our first family outing to Como Zoo, when Nick was fortunate to receive an unexpected day off on our anniversary.  At this point it was more entertaining for Nick and I than for Briony.  However, as I witnessed at the zoo, I don't think it will be long before she is pushing around her own stroller and forever changing our family outing experience!

I continue to be so amazed at how quickly my baby is changing.  As I stare at her now toothy grin, I can't help but think of how radically she has changed things around our house.  I can only smile at how much joy she has brought us.  I am relishing the ease of our life as we still have a sedentary baby, but am excited for the exploration we can do once she is on the move.  I marvel at how she is already finding her voice, even with words several months away.  She is growing and developing in her opinions and interests.  She has even started to take a genuine interest in books.  At times she even tries to turn the pages!  I have so cherished the ease of my work schedule these past few weeks and am not so secretly relishing the fact that at the present time, my daughter is 100% a mama's girl.  

Goodbye Simple

This time last year our pregnancy was still our own little secret.  We were living our sweet little life, finally lulled into a routine with my working schedule and Nick's clinicals.  I would take naps when I was tired, clean the house when I felt like it.  I could run out on an errand at the spur of a moment, getting out the door in five minutes or less if I wanted.  Looking back now, what a difference a year makes!

I knew as we prepared for the birth of our first born that life would never be the same.  I was told about what a roller coaster ride child rearing can be.  I would dream about the baby coo's and the smiles that we'd be enjoying a year from then...now.  I also knew that everyone would say, "You just can't explain what a change it is to have a baby in your life."  That certainly is the truth.

In the months since February our life has gone from simple and wonderful to complicated and amazing (yet challenging).  I remember discussing in my Psych-Mental Health Nursing course in college those checklists of stressful life events...I would say that in the past few months we have experienced many of them.  I have had a countless number of blogs telling of the adjustments our family is going through these days, and I don't need to rehash them.  

I finally had to face the realization that at this precise moment in time there is absolutely nothing about our life that is simple.  I can also say that in a lot of ways we have never been happier.

Nick loves his residency program.  He was laughed at the other day at work when he showed up and said that he couldn't think of a better place to be.  I guess he better enjoy it since he is spending the better part of at least six days a week there!  We are all adjusting to his utter and complete lack of free time, but I feel pretty certain that by the time we get through this residency process we will be professionals at making the most of the precious time we get together.  We have already gotten better at shutting off the television and computers, so we can enjoy a game together or a nice cuddle and a good laugh with Briony.

I am also really happy with my new job.  I have been challenged in new ways, and professionally the change has been refreshing.  I am once again finding a new niche, or am at least confidant that I will soon.  I have so much to learn.  I never realized how comfortable I had gotten with caring for very sick people.  Metal fragments stuck in the eye of a twenty three year old are much more unknown now than the patient we transferred to the ICU who needed a central line and multiple drips.  I am once again relishing in the variety of my work and relieved to be faced with a little less paper work.  My IV start skills have been less than stellar though...

I continually marvel at the adorable daughter we are raising.  Mostly, I laugh at how everything that used to be so simple before has about ten new steps.  I never leave the house with anything less than a diaper, change of clothes and snack on board.  While daunting there is a lot of pride in anticipating and meeting the needs of a five month old.  I have to admit that when her face lights up in a smile or I get to introduce her to something or someone new...all the complexity she brings becomes a moot point.  There really is nothing more surreal than holding my daughter in my arms, or listening to her babble and trying to imagine what it is she wants to say!

The other evening I had to get Briony and I out the door to a wedding shower.  I had a time commitment to make, something I've started to dread as a new mom.  I also had to balance her very beloved early bedtime ritual with an evening social event.  The entire time I was getting ready I kept  wondering to myself, "how in the world do mom's do this?!"  We managed to get out the door and make it to the shower with plenty of time.  Who knew that twenty verses of "Old McDonald Has a Farm" could be so entertaining and distracting?!

As I was taking the deep breaths I had forgotten to take in the rush out the door, I realized that I was one of those moms.  Somehow we had gotten ourselves out the door.  I am not sure how it happened, but it did.  Apparently the old saying, "do what you gotta do" works as a mom, too.  I guess one foot in front of the other is how it is done.

As a side note Briony did fall apart about half way through and gave everyone a nice show of her flare for drama and her love of bedtime.  We made it though, and I have to say that I love my daughter's spunk and while I fully anticipate some intense moments in the future as we face her many strong opinions...I love the fact that she has them.

With all that said, I am happy with our new, more complicated life.  I only wish it was easier to find a balance between everything.  I need to get better about letting things go.  I can't do some of the things that I've always done, but simultaneously I am doing so much more than I've ever done.  I have never been more challenged, more exhausted, more humble or more in love with my family than I am right now.  Most days my heart is so full I could just burst.  Now, I just need to stop saying..."if only it was simpler..." because we wanted to start our family and I wouldn't take that decision back for anything!

Conflicted

Sometimes I wish there wasn't so much gray area in the whole life choices department.

When we found out we were pregnant, a little over a year ago, I didn't really know what to think about my role as a stay at home mom vs. a working mom.  I use those terms for lack of anything better because stay at home moms certainly are working moms!  In an attempt to figure out the right decision for us, Nick and I have spent a great deal of time discussing our financial situation, our family priorities and my professional goals.  I have to admit that Nick's opportunity to be the stay at home parent over the past few weeks certainly has added to the quality of our discussions.  I guess I had hoped that when the time came the decision would be easier, or at least more clear.

I've been back to work for a month now, part time, and I can honestly say the decision is still unclear.  Since Nick didn't start his Residency Program until this week, I've had the peace of mind at work knowing that Briony has been at home with him.  It made going back to work SO much easier.  I have realized when I am home it is easy to talk a big game and say that I don't really want a professional career, but when I am at work I am reminded that I take a ton of pride in what I do and I have chosen a rewarding and challenging career.  I am by no means a super nurse, but I do think I am pretty good at what I do and generally add something to the units I work on.  I enjoy the challenges and I look forward to new opportunities; hence the reason I am starting a new job next week.  I also enjoy my peers and the opportunity for some adult interaction.  While in my career I still don't escape the diaper changes, it is nice to have a little break from baby babble and singing nursery rhymes.

On the other hand, when I am at home and I see how much easier it is to maintain a schedule that suits Briony's needs, I can't help but think she'd benefit tremendously from a stay at home parent.  Our family and home probably would, too.  While a lot of parenting is instinctual, it isn't just 100% natural.  I have been surprised at how much personality a baby can have.  A huge part of parenting is seeing your child as a person.  You can read all the parenting books you want, but to be a good parent you also have to know your child.

Briony may be four months old, but I can tell you that we get glimpses of her personality every day.  For example, she is opinionated and wildly dramatic.  Briony can switch from "okay, this is good," to "mom, how could you be so stupid" within a matter of seconds.  She is an observer, never wanting to miss a thing.  She knows her parents and smiles at us often, but with strangers she is quite serious.  I am realizing she is an independent learner.  Tummy time goes much more smoothly when I leave her alone.  She loves to cuddle when the time is right, but when she is ready for bed that is the only place she wants to be.  She is definitely her own person and we see more of that shining through everyday.  When I am home with her, I feel like things just click.

It isn't that I don't think a daycare would meet her needs, because I think that when they are in the business of children they probably would do more with her in a day than I do.  She would also get an awesome opportunity for peer interaction; certainly there isn't anything wrong with learning to work with others.  I just feel that when I am not at home with her, I start to feel out of touch.  When I work a couple twelve hour shifts I feel like she and I need to get back in the groove again.  It is hard to switch between my parental self and my professional self.

I suppose this is a part of life.  We all have various roles we play as mothers, daughters, spouses, co-workers and friends and somehow we have to find a balance between these roles in our lives and make them work.  It's just hard because I want to be 100% there for everyone.

Before I start whining, I should shift focus and point out that I am extremely blessed to be in this situation.  Like so many other times over the past year I am struck with how fortunate Nick and I have been.  First off, I get to be a mom to the most beautiful daughter I could imagine.  This is by far the most rewarding and challenging role I've ever had and I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I also have a husband who is entirely supportive of what I do and the best team mate I've ever known.

As a nurse, I am part of an amazing field of work.  The opportunity I have on a daily basis to influence people's lives, the work flexibility and the opportunity to shift my career focus before I get burned out is awesome.  There is absolutely no excuse to get bored.  I am also thankful that in such a fragile economy we have the option to be a two income family.  To be in a situation where we can choose what we want to do is certainly enviable.  Nick and I have yet to deal with the struggles of unemployment, and I am thankful for each day we can avoid that.

Finally and probably most importantly, we have a tremendously supportive family living close to us.  As intriguing as it was to think of moving to Colorado or Boston for residency, I can't be more thankful that we can be close to our support network over the next three years.  I always understood in theory the concept that it takes a village to raise a child, but now I am a firm believer.  We have also had plenty of family and friends offering to help us out this summer while we figure things out.  I can say that I can't thank everyone enough for being flexible and understanding.

With that said, I find myself yet again in that fabulous world of slowing down and taking everything one day at a time.  I think often about the verse in Matthew where it is written, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."  With all of life's uncertainties it is just too easy to slip into a pattern of anxiety and "what ifs."  I can really work myself into a tailspin if I let life get too far ahead of me.  I keep telling myself that eventually we'll find what works best for our family.  Nick and I have certainly worked through these kinds of changes before.  I guess it is kind of ironic that it takes change to remind me that if there is anything in life to count on it is that change is a constant.  I just need to be patient and trusting that it will work out.  Life is an amusement park, I better enjoy the ride!
   

Grandpa Elwood

I believe my first question when I interviewed my grandpa for a sixth grade project about World War II veterans was, "how do I spell your name?"  It seems funny to think about now, but apparently after twelve years I still hadn't figured out whether Elwood was spelled with one or two l's.  I learned a lot about my grandpa during the interview.

I remember taking it very seriously.  Grandpa had actually agreed to visit me at school, and we conducted the interview in the principal's office (a familiar place for him after 30 years in the St. Paul School District).  Grandpa showed up in a suit and proceeded to share his experiences as a medic in the war.  I had more than enough material to write my paper.  Our class ended up putting together a little book with the compilation of all our interviews.  I shared the book with my mom and aunt after it was finished.  I was surprised to learn that Grandpa really hadn't shared many of those stories, and my mom and aunt learned many new things about their dad through that project.

Grandpa actually went on to write a compilation of memories he had from growing up and he gave them to the family several years ago.  He shared stories from his childhood, through the army and during his years as a husband, father and educator.  I feel certain these stories will continue to be read and shared for generations to come.  They were certainly appreciated by the many visitors at his funeral today.

This past week has been one of reflection.  We have shared many memories, and shed tears of joy and sorrow.  As a family, we have reflected often on the remarkable man I came to know as my grandpa.  This week I have had the distinct privilege to meet many different people whose lives have also been touched by Elwood Lundeen.  While many incredible things were said about him, I think one of the most common threads was that we all knew the same man.  He gave himself equally to everyone he met.

The hospice aid that cared for him last week remarked about the Thursday she had with him before he died.  It was apparently a very good day for Grandpa.  He was clear of mind and full of energy.  She said that if there were any family secrets to be told she had heard them.  He had apparently shared countless of stories with her.  Grandpa used these stories to connect with everyone he met.  While he had a special spot in his heart for his family, I think that anyone who knew him felt in some way that they were themselves family.

Grandpa had an uncanny ability of bringing out the best in people.  I marveled this week when I thought about the differences in each of us grandchildren.  He had five.  Near as I can tell he bragged about us relentlessly.  We are all incredibly different, and each had unique relationships with Grandpa.  While he held high expectations of us, I don't believe that any of us ever felt that we were letting him down and he always fully supported our individual endeavors.  Never once did I feel like he wanted me to be more or less of what I was.  My cousin commented on it yesterday as well.  She remarked on Grandpa's acceptance of us, and his understanding of our unique gifts. 

In the service today, the pastor reminded us that in death we often have a tendency to make people into superhero's, and my humble grandfather would be the first to admit that he was only human.  Indeed, many wonderful stories of grandpa's human-ness were shared today.  However, I think through the eyes of a granddaughter, my grandfather has always been a superhero of mine and today I couldn't be more thankful for the 27+ years that I spent as one of his granddaughters.  Somebody told me today that grandpa used to tell them that I was a keeper.  Well, grandpa you're a keeper, too!

KP

I used to attend a bible camp during the summers we were here in the states.  I would sometimes go with a group of youth from our church, but usually I was on my own.

One particular summer, I was the lone stranger in a room full of girls from another church.  They were the kind of catty friends that only got along because they didn't.  Thankfully for me, they only fought with one another, and didn't choose to include me in their fights.  I spent a lot of the week listening as each girl complained about the others, or mediating their fights.  

At the end of the week we had an opportunity to share our highs and lows.  When my turn came around they all looked at me very surprised when I answered that my high of the entire week of camp had been the night our cabin had kitchen patrol.  I explained to them that it was the only night everyone had gotten along.  I told them it was the only time I had heard them encourage one another.  As an added bonus we had completed our KP duties in record time.  I think we even exchanged high fives as a group.  They laughed together as I shared my insights about that night.  They also agreed that it had been a fun night and had enjoyed working together.

If you were to ask me what my favorite chore is, hands down I would tell you it is washing the dishes.  As a camper, that week especially, it helped us bond and work together amidst a great deal of dysfunction.  When I was a counselor, I enjoyed the opportunity to talk with my campers, sing songs and reflect on our day's activities.  My dishwashing skills were recognized and appreciated on my first camping trip with Nick's family.  I have even used dishwashing as an excuse to get out of a few undesired activities, namely charades with the in laws.

Tonight, I got to add another reason to my list of why I love dishwashing.  With Nick back at work, he has taken over the duty of putting Briony to bed at night.  Our daughter loves her bedtime routine.  I may seem crazy to speculate that a nine week old knows when it is time for bed at night, but she does.  As Nick changed her into her pajamas she started to coo at him.  It is one of the sweetest, most delightful sounds I have ever heard.  My heart absolutely melted.  Tonight, I would have washed all the dishes in the house if it had meant I could prolong those precious moments between dad and daughter.

Parenting Lessons are Life Lessons

I just need to start by saying that this weekend was one of the best I've had in a long time.  I got to re-connect with co-workers and friends alike.  Sometimes the whole "new parent" thing can be a bit isolating especially when you're the one trail blazing the path in your friend and family circles.  However, this weekend we were graciously welcomed at several gatherings.  I must admit that when our friends, concerned about helping Briony get a little rest, turned down the music at a barbecue I realized how different our life has become.  We are so blessed to have people in our lives that accept us for where we are in life even if they haven't quite gotten to this stage yet.

In fact, I had a friend ask recently if I felt like I've done it all.  She was referring to the fact that in the past three years I have gotten married, switched jobs, bought a house, gotten a dog, been pregnant and now delivered my first baby.  I chuckled and laughed.  I certainly have experienced many milestones, but now I am finding that there is a whole new world of milestones that we have embarked upon in this new phase of our life.  

Being a parent hasn't really closed doors; it has opened a few as well.  Most notably, and not unlike most changes in life, the past few months have allowed ample opportunity for personal growth and reflection. I started this blog as a means to reflect on my life in the "now," hence the title.  I am an impatient one, and always have been. I spend a lot of time looking forward to the next thing and sometimes don't enjoy the present for what it is.  

Pregnancy is a big test of patience, but one of the things I realized is that to be patient you have to appreciate the present.  I heeded the advice when I was pregnant to really enjoy the last few months of just Nick and I.  We did, and I don't regret it.  We enjoyed more date nights than our budget probably allowed, and even spent a weekend up North hiking on one of the last nice weekends of the fall.  Briony's entrance into our lives has definitely changed the freedom we had before to create quality time with one another.  However, the fact that we were so purposeful about our time before has helped us understand the importance of creating time together now.  Of course it is always easier said than done, but we're working on it.

While pregnancy was full of anticipation, which is usually the culprit that leads to my impatience, so is parenthood...at least new parenthood (since I do realize my experience is still quite limited).  You can call it baby blues, post-partum depression, sleep deprivation or whatever you want, but the first few weeks were tough.  As the endorphins began to wear off after delivery, I grew impatient for the next step.  I was eager to see her grow.  I wanted to know what her personality was going to be.  I wanted to lock eyes with her and see her grin.  I started to sense myself getting impatient again as I anticipated what the next steps in Briony's development would be.

When Briony was about a month old, my mom commented on how she remembers that anticipation.  She relayed to me how eager she was for those next steps to come, too.  However, now that she has been through it she knows that those steps will come and that you don't get to go back to how they are right now.   It was a fleeting statement, one that we didn't dwell on for very long, but it has stuck with me.  With those words she reminded me that life keeps going.  There is no rewind button.  She reminded me that when I look back on this time I will realize that impatience wasn't necessary because the next phase will come.

I now find that I am letting myself slow down.  I am trying not to imagine all that Briony will be because in time that will all happen, I am trying to relish in what she is now.  She is an extremely content little lady.  In fact, we've been downright spoiled.  She eats well, and seems to grow in front of our eyes.  She stares at her dad like he is the only person in the world.  She lets us know when she is tired and falls asleep like a champ.  She is starting to coo and her grin lights up the room.  Life is simple right now, and I need to relish that.  It won't be long before I am chasing her around, wondering where my innocent baby disappeared to.

The more I've pondered and practiced my more patient outlook, the more I wish I'd realized this sooner.  As complicated as life seems sometimes, it only gets more so.  When I was in sixth grade I couldn't wait to get to middle school because then I would be allowed to chew gum.  Once in middle school, I found out that chewing gum was quite minute in the grand scheme of adjusting to the independence that you develop as a teen.  When I graduated from high school, I couldn't wait to head to college only to be bombarded with syllabi.  Now, I long for the time when the act of procrastination affected no one but myself.

Don't get me wrong, I still have multiple times a day when I anticipate the future thinking it will be simpler.  For example, I frequently find myself saying, "If I could just get a full night's sleep, then I would..."  However, changing my mindset and increasing my awareness of my impatience has really improved my frame of mind.  I guess we'll see how long it takes before life teaches me my next lesson in patience.

Recovery

When we returned to Madagascar in 2003 my parents enrolled me in a Norwegian school as it was located on the compound we would be living in.  In preparation for starting a school taught in an entirely different language, my parents hired a tutor for my brother, Nathan, and I.  They hoped that having some exposure to the language would make the transition a little easier.

One of the exercises included in those lessons were flashcards.  On these flashcards were pictures of toilets, chairs, animals and people.  However, the one that I remember most distinctly was one of a man sitting on the floor with a broken chair to his side and an exclamation point above his head.  This was my first exposure to the out cry, "Uff da."  I would argue that this particular flashcard prepared me for my lessons at the Norwegian school about as much as the word "woof" prepares you to communicate with dogs.  However, I imagine that if I were to teach someone the word "uff da" today, I would share a highlights video of last week.

For a simple rundown of last week's major milestones...

Friday Nick, Briony and I attended our first wedding as a party of three.

Saturday, we hosted my dad's side of the family at our house for a meet Briony party.

Sunday-Wednesday we went on our first family trip to Northern Minnesota.

Thursday was the much anticipated Match day (more on that later).  

Friday I spent 8 hours away from my newborn attending an advanced life support recertification class.

Needless to say, I woke up Saturday morning in desperate need of harnessing my inner hermit.  Rather than do the piles of chores and odds and ends that have piled up this week, I spent the day cuddling and cozying with my beautiful baby girl.  It was wonderful.  As a side note, it is amazing to me how much she has changed in five weeks, and I can hardly wait for the changes to come in the next five weeks.

Thursday did me in.  It was a wonderful day, filled with many happy and excited emotions, but it was the culmination of several long months of waiting.  I think one of Nick's cousins put it best, when he said that we have had three christmases this year.  Our first was the actual holiday, second was Briony's birthday and third was Match Day.

Just a brief explanation of Match Day for those that have no clue what I am talking about.  Back in October, Nick began applying for residency programs.  Residency is the next phase of training to become a physician.  He spent December-January setting up and attending interviews for these programs.  He had ten total interviews ranging in location from the here in the Twin Cities to Boston, Arizona, Illinois, Wisconsin and Colorado.  He submitted a rank list in February.  This list rated prioritized his top residency choices.  The residency programs also created a similar list with their residency candidates.  The list was compiled in some master database, and he was "matched" to a single residency program to which he is legally bound to attend.  Every medical student in the country goes through this same process and everyone finds out on the same day, at the same time.

Needless to say, it wasn't much of a surprise, when Nick opened his letter at 11:03 am, that I cried happy tears.  Nick has had his heart set on being at Hennepin County since he started medical school.  I haven't dared believe it would happen because I feared the disappointment if he didn't.  It was such a relief to find out he matched exactly where we wanted.

I have been impressed with Nick throughout this entire process.  I remember when he started medical school and people told me to say goodbye to ever seeing him again.  "Oh, he is going to be busy and it is so rigorous he won't ever be around" is what I was told.  Nick used to get upset when he heard this.  He promised me from the beginning that no matter what our relationship would always be his number one priority; that he would find balance in this process.  He didn't let me down.  While there have been times when he has been consumed by studying, or clinicals have kept him at the hospital for unfathomably long hours, I have never felt cast aside.  Our marriage is thriving and our relationship is stronger than ever.  We've even thrown ourselves a few curve balls with the purchase of a house and the addition of a daughter to our family.

Now, I find us transitioning away from the state of ambiguity we have grown accustomed to over the past few months.  We no longer have a plan A, B and C based on whichever program he is assigned.  Instead, we can begin to focus on a specific program and place.  The next three years will be intense.  We will have to adjust to added stressors as Nick begins to transition from the relatively sheltered role of a medical student to the much more intense responsibilities of a resident.  However, we have time to recover.       

My Top 5

I've been trying out this mom-thing for three weeks now, and everyone keeps asking how it is going.  I guess most frequently it is phrased, "And don't you just love it?"  The quick and simple answer is ABSOLUTELY.  Here's a list of my top five favorite things and lessons I've learned so far about being Briony's mom.

1.  Briony's squeals and squeaks warm my heart.  I had always been told that newborns are noisy, and I guess I just assumed it was their cry that was loud.  I wasn't totally wrong, as Briony's cry certainly gets stronger every day and recently started to be accompanied by full fledged tears.  However, she makes so many other sounds, too.  Sometimes she lets out high pitched squeals, and other sounds are more of the grunt and snort variety.  She even has one that sounds a little like Donald Duck.  Mostly she makes noise while she is sleeping, but occasionally she'll do it while she is awake and then I can really imagine she is trying to tell me something.  

2.  Story time started when Briony was in utero, but I always felt a little funny reading out loud to an empty room and my bump.  Now, we read to her as part of our bedtime routine.  The first few weeks it still felt a little silly because she was usually sleeping, but now she has been a little more alert.  It is pretty awesome to look down and see her beautiful blue eyes watching me and listening carefully.  I never realized before how intently a newborn listens to everything around them.  I can hardly wait until she starts interacting a little more and we can look at pictures and laugh at the story lines together.

3.  The most valuable lesson so far has been learning to embrace and conform to Briony's schedule.  At first, all I wanted to do was sit and stare at her and hold her.  Then I wanted her to be more awake and start doing things.  I found that I would get impatient when she didn't eat at the times I thought she should or she slept longer/shorter than I had anticipated.  I found it hard to get anything done because I was waiting for her next move.  Now, I am a lot better at working within Briony's schedule and not my own.  I seize moments when she's asleep, and drop everything when it is time to eat.  I have always been a firm believer that our bodies tell us what we need and when.  However, the first week or two I wanted a routine so badly and I got frustrated when there wasn't one.  I am realizing, in hindsight, my focus was wrong.  I tried to work Briony into my routine and not vice versa.  Once I started paying better attention to her body's routine I found that everything went a little more smoothly, and there is a little more normalcy in our day.  Changing my viewpoint a little and working my to do list around Briony's actually means I get more done, and we're all a little happier.

4.  I have a mixed relationship with middle of the night feedings, but ultimately I secretly enjoy them.  I am admittedly a little slow to get out of bed at 4 am when Briony starts to cry.  However, after taking the short 20 step walk to her room and cozying up in the chair in her nursery all sleep deprivation is forgotten.  My little newborn is starting to turn into a chunk.  It is incredibly satisfying (and admittedly cheesy) to know that I am able to nourish her and that she is thriving.  Her cute round belly, plump thighs and never ending pile of diapers are all evidence of a healthy, thriving baby and it totally makes night feedings worth it.  It also helps that after a full belly, she falls right back to sleep and so do I!

5.  I am 100% head over heels in love with her smile that is to come.  In my first job as a nurse, I had the occasional opportunity to work post-partum.  During that time I was surprised to find out that while babies may form a smile as newborns, it is usually associated with gas and other bodily functions and not actually the emotion of being happy.  Like everything else, babies have to learn that.  As a parent it is hard not to get excited when I see that cute little smile spread across her face, but when it is inevitably followed by flatus I know it isn't the real thing yet.  Let me tell you though, when she starts smiling for real, it will be the best smile I've ever seen in my life!  I am especially excited because I am pretty sure she is going to have her dad's adorable crooked little half smile that I love.  After all, isn't two of a good thing better than one?! 

6.  I had to throw in one more, consider it a bonus.  Briony loves bath time and so do I.  It is too bad that newborns only need to be bathed 1 or 2 times a week.  It is so fun to put her in that water and watch her uncurl.  Her whole body relaxes in the tub, her eyes get wide and I think she thinks she's back in my womb.  I also love the smell of baby soap and shampoo... 

There are of course many other things that I love about being my daughter's mom, and like Briony I am learning new things daily.  I still look at her in wonderment when I realize she is half me and half Nick.  I love that at the end of the day she is 100% ours and no one knows her better than Nick and I.  As scary as the responsibility is to be a parent, I still wouldn't trade it for anything!  

My New Full Time Job

As I sit here and stare into the innocent and sleeping face of my beautiful baby girl, I can't help but marvel at how amazing it is to be so in love with something that takes so much work.

In many ways the last two weeks and two days have been much easier than I imagined, and in other ways much harder.  Last night, two minutes after I put Briony in her crib she started to cry.  I had just crawled into bed, a place I had been longing to be for several hours, and I started to cry too.  I can honestly say they were the first tears I've had since Briony was born.  Nick, a little stunned at having both of his girls in tears, patiently got out of bed, calmed down our daughter and then checked in on me.

All I could do was mutter, "I feel trapped."

Parenting a newborn isn't that difficult.  Partially, of course because our daughter is perfect.  :o)>  Briony's needs are pretty basic at this point and the only time she cries is when she is hungry.  She loves to be held, and we love holding her.  She mostly sleeps and eats.  We have been sticking to a routine when we put her to bed.  While I know that babies don't really catch on to any sort of routine before four to six weeks, I do think she is beginning to understand the differences between night and day.  The only times she fusses at night are when she is hungry, and during the day she has been getting more and more alert.

Breastfeeding on the other hand has been much harder than I imagined it would be.  I feel strongly about our decision to breastfeed and am convinced that we will make it work.  The mechanics of it have been easy.  Fortunately, Briony latched on immediately and really has been a trooper with the process all the way through.  I am not sure how much more difficult this would be if my milk supply was low, or she was a poor sucker.  It's the psychology of breastfeeding that has been difficult.

I was ill prepared for how all consuming it is to breastfeed.  There isn't a single thing on my to do list that I can accomplish without wondering how I can work it in around feedings.  Briony has hungry days and not so hungry days.  I haven't found a lot of success in setting a timer and feeding her religiously at three hour intervals, because sometimes she has no interest and other times she is hungry long before those three hours are up.  I obviously can't expect her to have any patience as she is only two weeks old and only thinks about three things eating, sleeping and pooping/peeing.  Therefore, I am constantly on-call and have to be ready to drop whatever I am doing at a moment's notice.  I truly wasn't prepared for what a mental sport and full time job breastfeeding can be.

The last month of pregnancy I was so eager to give birth to Briony and start sharing the responsibilities of raising her.  I was ready to get back a little of my independence and identity as something other than her incubator.  However, with breastfeeding came a new form of attachment.  In all honesty, the umbilical cord is a much more self-sufficient means of feeding.

My tear fest didn't last too long last night, and I ended it by reminding Nick, through the sniffles, that I love him and that I love our daughter.  I take incredible pride in knowing that my body is nourishing that of my little girl.  It is incredible to me that even though I am no longer her human incubator, I still have a significant role in her continued growth and development.  Her emerging chubby thighs and the realization that she is officially outgrowing her newborn clothes is definite reinforcement that I am doing what I need to do.

I am so grateful that I have an incredibly supportive husband who is understanding of the fact that I can't get everything done on my own.  He jumps up to help with anything at a moment's notice.  I am blessed to have a family that supports us every step of the way.  Briony is growing and changing daily, which certainly encourages me to relish the newborn phase as it is disappearing quickly.  She knows the sound of her dad's voice and listens carefully when he is talking.  She has started to make more eye contact and definitely recognizes when she's in the arms of her milk machine.  Today, she and I practiced recognizing our hands and sticking out our tongues...so much fun!

I think the most important thing for me to remember is that my priorities have changed.  My house may get a little more dusty, Nick may have to be on his own in the kitchen for a while and the laundry piles may get a little bigger before I find time to wash them, but for the time being that's okay.  I have a more important job to do, and like most changes in life there is a learning curve.  I will figure out how to balance everything in time, at the very least I will figure out how to delegate better.  

Temper Tantrum

Today I had a temper tantrum.  I am 27 years old now and am learning that these aren't really an acceptable display of emotion anymore, so I kept it silent.  I held in the complaining and whining.  The angry words and tears were heard only in the deep recesses of my cerebrum.  I only imagined slamming all the doors as I walked through them, rather than actually doing it.  I kept the fist pounding and floor kicking within the bounds of clenched fists inside my mittens and a fast paced power walk as we went around the lake.

It was a weak point.  I made up my mind several months ago that I could either complain about all the emotions and experiences of pregnancy or I could just be excited and show people the pregnancy glow they want to see.  It has been a pretty easy resolution to make as I haven't really had a whole lot to complain about.  This baby has treated me well, but sometimes it's all I can do to not just yell and scream and wish that it was over.

I told Nick today that I am on a roller coaster of emotions, and vacillate quickly between optimism and pessimism.  One minute I am convinced that this baby will never arrive, and I will become the first documented case of a woman being pregnant forever.  Then I come around and remind myself that eventually the baby, my body or medicine will prevail and this baby will erupt into our lives and change it forever.  I remind myself that overall I am really still doing very well.  I am not bed ridden.  I've been able to maintain my current work schedule without too much difficulty.  I can still exercise and enjoy time with my husband without the cries of a newborn's needs in the background.  I then resolve myself to just sitting tight and holding out.  Patience is a virtue, and really I want all to go as naturally as possible.  Eventually, the ride starts all over again.

Usually, if there is something that I want really badly, but can't have I just try not to think about it.  I distract myself with something else for the time being.  However, it is hard not to perseverate on the baby these days.  Our house is full of baby gear ready to be used.  I can't bend, sit, stand or eat without being reminded that I am a living cocoon.  Nearly every task that I perform reminds me that I am not housing just myself but another person as well.  Along with this, everyone feels entitled to tell me how I must be feeling or what I can or can not do.  My ever growing abdomen is impossible for anyone to ignore.  I am constantly reminded of baby's impending birthday.  People look at me and immediately the conversation that ensues goes something like this:

"Ohhh, you're pregnant!  That is so exciting!  When is the baby due?"
"Well, any day now.  I am due the 18th of this month."
"Oh, wow.  Well, that could be anytime.  I bet you are so excited.  It is going to be __________."
"Yep, we are very excited and eager to meet this little one."
"Oh, I bet you are.  Having children is _______________."
"Well, we're looking forward to it and I guess we'll find out soon."

I then usually try to duck out of the conversation shortly thereafter.  Don't get me wrong, I am excited about this child and I don't mind discussing how momentous the event is.  I am just at the point where thinking about it is old news and I am ready to experience it.  I've been told many times how great/challenging/amazing/exciting it is.  I am ready to know this first hand.  I understand the need to be patient because I know that I will find out soon enough, as there literally is no room left for this little on in my body anymore.  Coupling my own impatience, however, with the relative impatience of everyone else makes maintaining a positive attitude quite difficult sometimes.

I feel helpless.  I know that many people, including Nick and I, are anxious to meet this growing person that we've been talking about for seven months now and I've been carrying for ten, but I can't make anything happen any faster than it already is.  Nature has to take its course.  Sure there are old wives tales about things you can do to speed the process along, and by all means I am trying what I can.  However, the fact of the matter is there is very little evidence that anything really works.  Waiting is just the name of the game.  The end is in sight, it just isn't here yet.

So today I threw a temper tantrum.  I was fed up.  I wanted nothing less from today than to put an end to all the anticipation, bring on the labor pains and deliver a baby.  I even worked out twice.  The first was a baby jostling workout that included squats, jumping jacks and lunges.  I then moved on to a three mile power walk around the lake.  There are several points along the path that allow us to cut the walk short and at each one I believe I uttered to Nick, "my water hasn't broken yet, let's keep walking."  Nick and Sadie walked patiently at my side like absolute saints, allowing me to blow off steam.  Neither said a word about my obvious frustrations, and let me ride out my internal temper tantrum.

I don't know how I got so blessed with a patient husband who understands that sometimes walking in quiet solidarity is worth more than a thousand words of encouragement and advice.  Tonight, we had a tasty dinner orchestrated by Nick.  We spoke nothing of baby, or our afternoon walk.  I had a time to distract myself, step back and remember that in time everything will come together.

I made sure to appreciate the time we had and that it wasn't at any point interrupted by a screaming hungry newborn, or a diaper change.  We were able to clean up and then quietly reside to the living room to cuddle up with our worn out pooch.  Tonight, I am enjoying that my schedule is my own.  Nobody is dictating what I need to do and I can relax with my own thoughts.  These nights will certainly be missed in the months ahead.  As excited as I am about the entrance of children into our lives, I am determined to enjoy the last few days/weeks of the two of us.  I am relieved to find myself once again at the top of the pregnancy roller coaster ride, optimistic and content.

Homesick

Every year at this time, even after (gasp) 16 years, I get homesick.  For those of you who may not know I grew up in Madagascar.  I spent about 10 years of my life there, and it is my birthplace.  Although attempts have been made, I have not been back to the country since my family left in March of 1995.

During our time there we lived in both Antananarivo and Antsirabe.  I was born in Antsirabe, where I nearly earned myself Norwegian citizenship because the local government office didn't believe that any Americans had ever been born in the city despite my parents both being American citizens.  During my time in Madagascar I attended a French pre-school and kindergarten and a Norwegian school for fourth and fifth grade.  My mom also attempted some home schooling (where I was a less than ideal student) and I spent a few years in school here in America.

I suppose it is a misnomer to say that I get homesick because I do feel very much at home now in my life here in the United States.  However, living in America is much different than living in Madagascar, and sometimes I miss the routine and experiences I had living abroad as a child.  I think growing up abroad, I became accustomed to a certain level of constant homesickness.  I always remark that when we lived in Madagascar I would long to be with our family in America and when we would return to America I would long for my "family" in Madagascar.  I grew up acutely aware that I was straddling two very different cultures.  In some ways I was connected to both worlds and in other ways I was not connected to either.  

Perhaps, it is the isolation of a Minnesota winter that makes me miss the comfort of community that I now associate with Madagascar.  Otherwise, it may be the fact that the anniversary of our arrival back to the United States occurs in the beginning of March and triggers these memories.  It could also simply have to do with the fact that most Minnesotans get cabin fever and we all start discussing travel and escaping our frozen tundra around this time.

I guess whatever the reason I find myself once again jamming out to African tunes on my ipod, revisiting old pictures of my youth and looking up ticket prices to head back home.  I will chuckle when I watch the nightly news broadcast the forecast, and remember when we used to watch the news in Madagascar and they would hold up a sheet of paper with a hand printed map of Madagascar and a written list of the days temperatures.  On one of my next trips to the grocery store I will probably end up buying an overpriced mango or papaya and will probably share with people the joys of lychee juice streaming down my chin.  And if time allows, I will probably drag my husband to the zoo so we can check out the lemurs and I can reminisce over the time that I baby sat a lemur and it nearly ran away...because this is what I do every year at this time.

The Joys of Naivety

I am not quite sure where time has gone.  We were busy in December with a month of holiday gatherings, and I kept thinking to myself that January would feel long.  We really didn't have a whole lot planned for this month, and in general I tend to hate this month because it is cold and gray and drags on forever.  However, here we are nearly two weeks into the new year and things haven't slowed down yet.  Life sure has a way of filling up.  Our weekends are pretty much booked from now until our due date, so I guess I don't have to worry about being bored.

I am feeling like we are getting so close to this little one's arrival.  The nursery finally got painted, and I honestly think it turned out nearly exactly as I imagined.  The crib has a home, and is no longer plunked down in the middle of a bunch of bookshelves and desks where our office was.  I set up a bookshelf and have placed a few of the baby books and toys we've gotten on it.  It really looks like a baby's room now.  We also have a chair for cuddling and feeding times, the rug will be picked up today and I finally found a dresser that can act as a changing table without taking up half the room...I just need to order that.  It is nice to have a daily visual reminder of what is coming up, something other than my ever expanding baby bump.  I just love sitting in that room now, and can hardly wait to bring our baby home to it.  I am absolutely giddy with excitement.

A friend asked me the other day if I was scared about labor.  I replied by saying that this time around I am enjoying the naivety of the first pregnancy, and in all honesty I am not letting anyone take that away from me.  I think there is something protective in not knowing everything that is going to happen.  I remember in our high school youth group we discussed once whether or not we would like to have a crystal ball that would reveal to us the paths our lives would take.  At that time, I had no clue what direction my life was leading and I am sure I answered with a resounding "YES!"  However, I realize now that sometimes it helps to not know everything that is going to happen and to just take it small steps at a time.  I honestly don't want to know what hardships lie ahead.  I know that when Nick and I found out we were pregnant, we became parents and there wasn't any turning back from that.

When I have people ask me if I am excited, especially the ones who have been through this a time or two, I always reply with a huge smile and say, "I am enjoying being naively excited."  I typically get a very knowing look back.  People understand that this is a time in my life where I can forget about the roller coaster ride of parenting and just rejoice in the new life we are bringing into this world.

I am not stupid, and I don't think our expanding family is going to bring with it only rainbows and butterflies.  I know there are times when parenting can be heart breaking.  I know things can go terribly wrong during labor and I know that sleep deprivation can play funny tricks on even the happiest of relationships.  I also anticipate walking through the doors of our own home with a new baby, leaving behind a hospital of supportive nurses, aids and doctors, will be terrifying as we stare into the face of a helpless child that we are entirely responsible for.  I know there are hardships that come up in life I can never be prepared for, and sure enough that scares me, but I am not willing to let that take away from my excitement over this little one.

We have good family friends who recently welcomed their second beautiful child into their family, and she wrote once about how she approached her second pregnancy with more hesitancy because she knew what was coming around the corner.  Next time around, I am going to know first hand the exhaustion of a new baby.  I am going to have felt the terror of having a child exploring a very uncertain world.  I will have had days where as much as I love my little one, I will crave for the simplicity and ease of our current childless family unit.  I will have felt the pain of labor, and I will remember the challenges of pregnancy (i.e. being unable to bend, the shortness of breath with minimal activity, the ever changing pregnancy body, the fatigue and nausea...).  However, for now all I know of these things is from what I've heard and not from what I've experienced, and I am relishing in that naivety.

I know that few parents regret having their children.  I know that while we are scared about the changes kids will bring to our lives, Nick and I are ready and excited to take on the new roles of mom and dad.  I also know that despite everything that comes with being a first time parent, people still have more kids, so I think we can handle it.  Therefore, I have concluded to enjoy every moment of anticipation for this new life inside me.  I am choosing to focus on the things Nick and I are excited about and to forget about the things that are unknown and scary.  I guess you could say I am being knowingly naive, since there is no turning back from the changes that February will bring.

Explanation

Please pardon my absence from writing, but I have hit full fledged "nesting" stage.  Now that Christmas is over the next event is baby.  I have gone into full preparation mode...I will return soon.