Patience is a virtue. Impatience is not.

I am dubbing this week my reset week.  An opportunity to catch my breath, get a little work done and regain perspective.  Last week was exhausting.  I spent a lot of time in a state of constant thought overload.  I felt for every one thought, ten or more new ones would spring up.  I had to-do lists a mile and a half long, and no time to get anything done.  I also allowed myself to get caught up in the worries of next year's uncertainties.

First, I had thought overactivity on house projects and home improvements.  Home owning is a tremendous blessing, with many joys.  One of the joys is putting work into making it better.  Nick and I don't stop dreaming of the next project.  However, sometimes I just want to do everything at once.  Last week, I was convinced that the windows needed an overhaul, the water heater needed to be replaced and the basement needed to be refinished...all at once.

This of course led me into thoughts of the practicality of home improvement projects.  Simply put, we have no idea right now if we will be moving next spring.  One of the many wonders of medical school is its constant reminder that there is little about it we can control.  The last few years have taught me that we are constantly at the mercy of the clinical schedule, and aside from choosing which clinical to do when, there is little control over much else.  Residency will be the same, if not less flexible.  However, with residency we get the added bonus of not really knowing where it will take place until next March.  Sure, Nick gets to rank his top choices and only apply to certain programs, but in the end he'll get a letter telling him what program he'll be attending.  Given that there are only two emergency medicine programs in the immediate area, there is a chance we will move.  For obvious reasons, I vacillate between being okay with that idea and being absolutely terrified of it.  Last week, terrified pretty much summed up my feelings.

On top of that I couldn't shake the thought that I would like to go back to school.  I've wanted to get my masters for several years now, and have the program picked out.  Money and time have prevented me from doing so thus far.  They remain the obstacles, but with Nick finishing up school, I feel like it is becoming more plausible to consider graduate school again.  I feel I've been patient thus far, but last week I was anything but patient.

Finally, I probably shouldn't forget to mention that intertwined amongst all these thoughts was of course the ever growing baby due to make its arrival in February.  Which creates its own list of to-do's, worries and eager anticipation.  Not to mention an additional person to factor into all the changes of the coming year.

Needless to say, last week I was overwhelmed.

I decided that this week I needed to focus on the feasible and try not to worry about the things I can't control.  I have had this week off from work and have been tackling the realistic projects on my to do list.  Nick and I have devised a plan for the home improvements that make sense for our home, whether we are still living here next fall or not.  Thoughts of school are once again on hold, and I am okay with that.  I am also thankful for the gentle patience of my husband.  Last week he had to endure many of my thought storms, most of which tapped into his own worries and stresses.    

Monday I was greeted by rain.  I woke up thinking of Martin Luther, who states that each new day is a baptism, a renewal.  I chose to live it out, and set a new tone for this week.  I feel a sense of peace knowing that working away at my immediate to-do list, will make tomorrow's to-do list a lot easier to accomplish.  I just need to keep in mind that what seems huge and unknown for now, will in time work it's way out.  Deep breaths and patience, are my daily goals.  I think it was my ninth grade diving coach who reminded us of this quote at the beginning of the season, "Remember grasshoppers, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."